I have heard the complaints that my last post was too long. Ergo – I will follow Twitter rules and make no letter or response in this post more than 140 characters (without counting spaces). Go ahead, count them – I dare you. With apologies (compliments?) to that lady who did the Prudie haikus – she was great, and I miss her.
@prudiehgp:
My LOML’s (love of my life) Mrs. Robinson wedding-gifted us $50K. Payoff for services well-rendered or down-payment on account?
@anticougar
@anticougar:
Be grateful – new hubbie is an earner! Is he a keeper? Depends – does he advertise on Gigolos-R-US? Take $$ as deposit for divorce fund.
@prudiehgp
@prudiehgp:
Paper chase game with Joe Hardhat is 24/7! Latent sexism, clumsy courtship, or just an asshole? My desk wants to be neat, regardless.
@ltfuzz
@ltfuzz:
Engineer and build a spine 4 yourself. Then U can indulge your inner Sheldon and institute inbox protocol in peace.
@prudiehgp
@prudiehgp:
Bad equation: [over-educated + overworked + $0 (x2)] x [Mom’s final unemployment check + “recovering” economy + big 6-0] = MAJOR guilt. What 2 do?
@ungrad29
@ungrad29:
No easy solution. Can U move mom near U, offer college job search resources, and hang on until 62 early ret? Sacrifice what U can w/o demeaning her sacrifice.
@prudiehgp
@prudiehgp:
Snooped and discovered LOML takes max ED pill. He’s 24, not 42. Y does he need it? Inquiring minds want to know.
@icequeen
@icequeen:
Depends – does he advertise on Gigolos-R-Us? Bet that you will find answer if you snoop on his cellphone. If he gobbles ED pill, U should test for STDs – just sayin’.
@prudiehgp
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Thursday, September 2, 2010
President Obama and the Loyal Opposition Answer This Week's Prudie Letters (9/2/10)
I am nothing if not an equal opportunity satirist. Since I have recently made several posts in which I mock the conservative/right wing milieu, and even though the “fairness doctrine” does not exist on the Internet (or on the radio or cable TV, for that matter), I have decided to throw my conservative friends a bone and answer these letters as I imagine our current president would. Note, however, that I have also included a Republican response (they would demand that, wouldn’t they?)
Dear President Obama:
Ten years ago, I married the perfect man -- two young children from a previous marriage -- happy to be their stepmother UNTIL I heard the ol' biological clock tick-tocking. Now, I've proposed a new child in our family unit, but my husband has an iron-clad filibuster (he vasectomized himself). I am the one who changed my mind, and I want to get my own way (heartbroken, angry, frustrated, etc.) As the Clash sang: Do I stay or do I go? Enjoy the bird in my hand or yearn for the two in the bush? Do I pull an Arlen Spector and leave the party, or imitate John McCain, sell my soul to get elected, and deny myself my heart's desire? I'd be willing to fund any reasonable proposal for child—reproductive assistance (including donor eggs), adoption, etc. But I don't want to be a maverick and do it alone -- I'm not an independent, and I need another parent/partner. Help me, Obi-Wan Obama -- you're my only hope.
—Longing
Dear Family Voter:
Your somewhat tangled situation calls to mind my experience as the leader of this great country. When the voters elected me (by a clear majority of the popular vote and the electoral vote, I might add), they elected me on a platform of “hope and change”, and on my promise to seek bipartisan cooperation to solve the many problems left in my lap by my predecessor in the Oval Office. And, initially, my colleagues in the Congress appeared to be on board with that desire for bi-partisanship. I highlighted that aspiration in my inaugural address, and they all applauded (well, I AM known as a great orator – perhaps I was misled by their admiration for my rhetorical skills). I invited Republican senators and congress-people to the White House to personal meet and greets, I wined them and dined them, I called on them in their spacious offices, and even invited them to engage in a frank, televised discussion of our opposing views on health care reform, in an effort to work with them, get through our impasses, and find common solutions.
And, like you, they unaccountably changed their minds about the whole bipartisan effort, and instead embarked on bitter partisanship and obstructionism. Suddenly, if I say the sky is blue, they disagree and say it is “azure”; if I describe something as black, they say it’s white; I say “tomato”, they say “tomahto” – one gentleman from South Carolina even had the temerity to interrupt my State of Union speech (my speech!) by accusing me of lying.
So, as you can see, I have a sense of the deep frustration your husband must have felt when you suddenly switched positions and advocated for a new child. Ultimately, my advice to you is that you and your husband must work together to find new solutions to entrenched problems – have you considered adopting a Cabbage Patch baby, or starting a daycare business? We need more small businesses to jump-start our economy, and starting your own shop may kill two birds with one stone, so to speak. You must remember, however, that your husband has the – ahem – “veto” power over any attempt to begin a new family, and can (shall we say) withhold funding for your proposed project. In any discussion, you must keep those realities in mind.
Sincerely,
Barry (aka President Obama)
The Republican Response:
First, we applaud your desire to increase your family under the big tent of your traditional man-woman definition of marriage. We also point out that we have many laudable women in the Republican party (such as Sarah Palin and Michelle Bachman), as well as a growing segment of woman voters, all of whom would applaud your determination (albeit, somewhat belated) to become pregnant and transition into becoming a stay-at-home mother. As for the President’s response to your question, we point out that he has refused to prove that he was even born in this country! (Just kidding – the President says he’s a natural born American citizen. We take him at his word. Notice that we didn’t wink when we said that. No, really – not even an eye twitch!).
In all seriousness, President Barack HUSSEIN Obama’s response to your query is typical of his administration – ill-informed without any acknowledgment that the American people don’t want his lame socialist-inspired solutions to their problems. As usual, he suggests that his way is the ONLY way, under the guise that “people should work together toward a bipartisan solution, which happens to closely resemble the solution I first suggested.” Well, Mr. President, we still have the filibuster, and, come November, we plan to control both houses of Congress. You should talk to Hilary’s husband about who he recommends for lawyers, because we plan to give birth to several investigations and proceedings that will make his tenure in office look like a love-fest in comparison. Here’s HOPING that big CHANGE is coming your way, and soon!
Dear President Obama,
I'm in graduate school, wrapping up my master's thesis. My professor held up the thesis of a student who graduated last year and tackled a similar topic as a shining example, and said I should be inspired by the quality and depth of that work. I got the other student's thesis and found that he had pulled a Jayson Blair -- it is plagiarized word-for-word from a obscure source book I have been using. I don't think that my professor is familiar with this book, but I think that this student pulled a fast one. The devil on my shoulder tells me that it's none of my business, but the angel on my shoulder tells me that the school should know. My real concern is that I will get a worse grade than him if I don't speak up. It’s not personal, it's just education -- be my friend, Mr. President. Help me out.
—Just Want To Graduate
Dear Young Voter:
First, congratulations on taking advantage of the many opportunities that this great nation offers to further your education. Second, I too have experienced the déjà vu of discovering that people fail to give credit or blame to where that credit or blame is due. Take, for instance, this so-called “Tea Party” movement. These “tea-partiers” blame me for a variety of sins – the deficit, the sputtering economy, a perceived moral decline and malaise in this unique country – when all that originated with my predecessor in office. I ask – where were the tea-partiers when George W. Bush was playing a shell game with the budget and the costs of the Iraq war? Why did they keep their mouths shut when he was handing out tax breaks and tax rebates left and right, despite the effect on his initial surplus, and then the deficit he created? Why are their fingers pointed toward my administration as they bemoan the problems in the economy, when the roots of those problems clearly lie in the prior administration’s lax regulation of the financial industry and the secondary mortgage market?
It is almost as if I am a victim of “reverse plagiarism” – I am having all this drek attributed to my tenure, while George W. Bush sits in Texas and laughs. Moreover, no matter what I say and no matter what I do, my explanations are discounted and my accomplishments moving us toward solving these large problems are minimized (and harshly criticized). My advice to you is to speak up, but not to expect that anyone will thank you for speaking up. You should also not be surprised to learn that you are disbelieved altogether. That has been my experience, and I am happy to be able to share it with you.
Sincerely,
Barry (aka President Obama)
The Republican Response:
We love how this president speaks in code words for racial bias (“reverse plagiarism”? Really!) and refuses to accept any responsibility for the messes he creates (notice how he inserts the word “victim” in his response?). The president is just typifying his preferred constituent – lazy, liberal, and living off the dole, funded by the excessive taxes paid by hard-working Americans. Nothing is his fault, and he, like most Democrats, has “Bush derangement syndrome” -- if it’s a problem, then it must have originated with Dubya. Bush, however, did not spend taxpayer money to bail out Goldman Sachs and take over General Motors. Bush did not serve as a roadblock to the reform of Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, whose jumbo loans to clearly unqualified applicants – forced by the Democrats – are the true seeds of the mortgage crisis (not the actions of our friends in the financial industry, who merely sought to make a well-earned buck off an already existing unfortunate situation).
Moreover, just about every solution our president proposes involves more spending (not to mention more deficit!) and increased government regulation and oversight. Oh, you want advice on how to solve your problem? Well, we disagree with his advice. Beyond that, it is not our job to offer solutions to problems, unless we can propose lower taxes, decreased regulation, or cuts in discretionary spending. If those answers don’t apply, then sorry – you’re on your own.
Dear President Obama,
My 20-something daughter, Buffy, is entering my profession in which I am a leading light. Her boss told her to do some research to solve a knotty problem, she came to me, and I was able to guide her to the right answer (her boss was thrilled). Well, I bragged about it at work, and one of my rivals threw a hissy-fit and accused my daughter of cheating by relying on me to figure it out. My point of view is that this guy is an asshole, and that legitimate research includes asking the opinions of others in the same field, even if they are related to you. I pointed her in the right direction, and she figured it out. There is no nepotism here, but did we screw up? How did Bill handle this with Hilary?
—New Girls Network
Dear Baby Boomer Voter:
First off, kudos to both you and your daughter on demonstrating that our employment figures are growing, and will continue to grow if we stay the course. As for the question you pose, I, too, have been unduly criticized for turning to professionals, of all stripes and philosophies, to advise and assist me in the governing of the United States of America. My critics say that I lack the necessary depth of knowledge in economics, military matters, foreign policy, international relations to effectively govern this country, and that I rely on a cadre of socialist and/or liberal sycophants to tell me what to do. I am here to tell you that nothing could be further than the truth. I listen to many voices and advisors throughout the day, many with differing (and strong) opinions, and they help guide me toward making what I believe is the right decision on any particular issue.
As for my advice, I encourage you and your daughter to do as I do – realize that no matter what you do, there will be people who will rain judgment on what you did or did not do. I have too big of a job to worry about what those people will or will not say, and I am not too proud to accept advice from others when I ask for it. Your daughter should do no less.
Sincerely,
Barry (aka President Obama)
The Republican Response:
We encourage the president to continue to ignore his critics – it makes it all the easier for us in November 2010 and November 2012. There is no doubt that this is the most inexperienced, wet-behind-the-ears Commander in Chief that we have ever had, and his administration will live in infamy due to the ill-informed, wrong-headed choices that the president has made on the prosecution of wars in the Middle East, on health-care, on economic stimulus spending , and on raising taxes. He has mishandled the Gulf oil spill, bank reform, the Arizona immigration law, and the debate on the mosque site near the World Trade Center in Manhattan – heck, he even mishandled that whole beer summit thing! If he’s following advice in addressing these matters, he needs to fire his advisors; if he’s ignoring advice from his advisors, he needs to fire himself (don’t worry, we are confident that the American people will do it for him in 27 months, in any event).
As for your problem, our own advisors did not address that subject with us … oh, wait, Rush and Bill say to ignore your critics. But ignore them differently than the president would ignore them – his way would be the wrong way.
Dear President Obama,
I am a 36 year old widow, who lost my 40-year-old husband to a sudden and unexpected heart attack this year. Losing him was bad enough, but his family has nit-picked all of my choices: from not asking for an autopsy, to my choice of pallbearers, to my pick of his gravestone and the wording of the engraving on it. They have all but accused me of murdering him, have threatened to call one of those TV shows like "Dateline" or "48 Hours" about his suspicious death, and have generally been assholes to me in my time of grief. Now, they've gone and replaced the flowers that my children and I put on their dad's grave with their own bouquet. I want to tell them that they are dead to me, and return all their Christmas cards and gifts. What should I do, Mr. President?
—In-Law Nightmare
Dear Middle-Class Voter:
First, my deepest sympathies for your loss. I have witnessed the grief of many of the families of the brave men and women who returned in coffins from Iraq and Afghanistan, and my heart goes out to you. As for the reaction of your in-laws, I too have experienced the questioning of decisions that I had the prerogative to make (see above). I am not complaining – it goes with the territory. Still, it is frustrating when you are attacked by Republicans for including provisions in a health care bill that had been previously included by those same Republicans in previous health care proposals. Or when you are told that your actions to mend the damage caused by the previous administration – in foreign and in domestic matters – are wrong-headed, pandering, done with a socialist agenda … the list goes on. There is also a small segment of the population that will gleefully believe any outrageous statement that they think paints you in a bad light. Such as the assertion that I am a Muslim – this revelation came after they had squeezed all the juice from the accusation that I attended a cult-like Christian church headed by a radical minister with Black Panther sympathies. As my grandmother used to say, some days you can’t win for trying.
As for your problem, my advice is that you will never satisfy the nay-sayers – so focus on your own life, but leave the door open for dialogue and reconciliation. Someday, they may realize that the Tea Party philosophy and obstructionism are not the path to governing .. oops, that is my problem. I meant to say that they may realize that they overreacted in their grief, and may reach out across the aisle to … I mean, reach out to you to reconnect with you and find a new path together (who the hell is running that teleprompter??!).
Sincerely,
Barry (aka President Obama)
The Republican Response:
This is a typical response from the president, and shows why the voters must send him a message in November that he has set this great country on the wrong path. We are fighting the good fight to stop his socialist agenda, and we will continue that fight until he and the Democrats are no longer in charge of the government so that we can fix things. How will we do that? Um…glad you asked! We will cut discretionary spending in the budget, lower taxes, and restore America’s greatness and respect for the Constitution! How will those steps accomplish our purposes? Um…by reducing the deficit and jump-starting the economy and regaining the respect of the rest of the world and … hey, how about that stroke of luck? We mean, your husband dying in a year with no estate tax and all? We did that! No, no, we didn’t mean it that way – just think of all the money your husband’s estate saved when there was no estate tax… Wait, did you just say that you wouldn’t have paid estate tax anyway because the estate was below the threshold? Oh, in that case, sorry for your loss. Vote Republican in 2010, and send a message!
Dear President Obama:
Ten years ago, I married the perfect man -- two young children from a previous marriage -- happy to be their stepmother UNTIL I heard the ol' biological clock tick-tocking. Now, I've proposed a new child in our family unit, but my husband has an iron-clad filibuster (he vasectomized himself). I am the one who changed my mind, and I want to get my own way (heartbroken, angry, frustrated, etc.) As the Clash sang: Do I stay or do I go? Enjoy the bird in my hand or yearn for the two in the bush? Do I pull an Arlen Spector and leave the party, or imitate John McCain, sell my soul to get elected, and deny myself my heart's desire? I'd be willing to fund any reasonable proposal for child—reproductive assistance (including donor eggs), adoption, etc. But I don't want to be a maverick and do it alone -- I'm not an independent, and I need another parent/partner. Help me, Obi-Wan Obama -- you're my only hope.
—Longing
Dear Family Voter:
Your somewhat tangled situation calls to mind my experience as the leader of this great country. When the voters elected me (by a clear majority of the popular vote and the electoral vote, I might add), they elected me on a platform of “hope and change”, and on my promise to seek bipartisan cooperation to solve the many problems left in my lap by my predecessor in the Oval Office. And, initially, my colleagues in the Congress appeared to be on board with that desire for bi-partisanship. I highlighted that aspiration in my inaugural address, and they all applauded (well, I AM known as a great orator – perhaps I was misled by their admiration for my rhetorical skills). I invited Republican senators and congress-people to the White House to personal meet and greets, I wined them and dined them, I called on them in their spacious offices, and even invited them to engage in a frank, televised discussion of our opposing views on health care reform, in an effort to work with them, get through our impasses, and find common solutions.
And, like you, they unaccountably changed their minds about the whole bipartisan effort, and instead embarked on bitter partisanship and obstructionism. Suddenly, if I say the sky is blue, they disagree and say it is “azure”; if I describe something as black, they say it’s white; I say “tomato”, they say “tomahto” – one gentleman from South Carolina even had the temerity to interrupt my State of Union speech (my speech!) by accusing me of lying.
So, as you can see, I have a sense of the deep frustration your husband must have felt when you suddenly switched positions and advocated for a new child. Ultimately, my advice to you is that you and your husband must work together to find new solutions to entrenched problems – have you considered adopting a Cabbage Patch baby, or starting a daycare business? We need more small businesses to jump-start our economy, and starting your own shop may kill two birds with one stone, so to speak. You must remember, however, that your husband has the – ahem – “veto” power over any attempt to begin a new family, and can (shall we say) withhold funding for your proposed project. In any discussion, you must keep those realities in mind.
Sincerely,
Barry (aka President Obama)
The Republican Response:
First, we applaud your desire to increase your family under the big tent of your traditional man-woman definition of marriage. We also point out that we have many laudable women in the Republican party (such as Sarah Palin and Michelle Bachman), as well as a growing segment of woman voters, all of whom would applaud your determination (albeit, somewhat belated) to become pregnant and transition into becoming a stay-at-home mother. As for the President’s response to your question, we point out that he has refused to prove that he was even born in this country! (Just kidding – the President says he’s a natural born American citizen. We take him at his word. Notice that we didn’t wink when we said that. No, really – not even an eye twitch!).
In all seriousness, President Barack HUSSEIN Obama’s response to your query is typical of his administration – ill-informed without any acknowledgment that the American people don’t want his lame socialist-inspired solutions to their problems. As usual, he suggests that his way is the ONLY way, under the guise that “people should work together toward a bipartisan solution, which happens to closely resemble the solution I first suggested.” Well, Mr. President, we still have the filibuster, and, come November, we plan to control both houses of Congress. You should talk to Hilary’s husband about who he recommends for lawyers, because we plan to give birth to several investigations and proceedings that will make his tenure in office look like a love-fest in comparison. Here’s HOPING that big CHANGE is coming your way, and soon!
Dear President Obama,
I'm in graduate school, wrapping up my master's thesis. My professor held up the thesis of a student who graduated last year and tackled a similar topic as a shining example, and said I should be inspired by the quality and depth of that work. I got the other student's thesis and found that he had pulled a Jayson Blair -- it is plagiarized word-for-word from a obscure source book I have been using. I don't think that my professor is familiar with this book, but I think that this student pulled a fast one. The devil on my shoulder tells me that it's none of my business, but the angel on my shoulder tells me that the school should know. My real concern is that I will get a worse grade than him if I don't speak up. It’s not personal, it's just education -- be my friend, Mr. President. Help me out.
—Just Want To Graduate
Dear Young Voter:
First, congratulations on taking advantage of the many opportunities that this great nation offers to further your education. Second, I too have experienced the déjà vu of discovering that people fail to give credit or blame to where that credit or blame is due. Take, for instance, this so-called “Tea Party” movement. These “tea-partiers” blame me for a variety of sins – the deficit, the sputtering economy, a perceived moral decline and malaise in this unique country – when all that originated with my predecessor in office. I ask – where were the tea-partiers when George W. Bush was playing a shell game with the budget and the costs of the Iraq war? Why did they keep their mouths shut when he was handing out tax breaks and tax rebates left and right, despite the effect on his initial surplus, and then the deficit he created? Why are their fingers pointed toward my administration as they bemoan the problems in the economy, when the roots of those problems clearly lie in the prior administration’s lax regulation of the financial industry and the secondary mortgage market?
It is almost as if I am a victim of “reverse plagiarism” – I am having all this drek attributed to my tenure, while George W. Bush sits in Texas and laughs. Moreover, no matter what I say and no matter what I do, my explanations are discounted and my accomplishments moving us toward solving these large problems are minimized (and harshly criticized). My advice to you is to speak up, but not to expect that anyone will thank you for speaking up. You should also not be surprised to learn that you are disbelieved altogether. That has been my experience, and I am happy to be able to share it with you.
Sincerely,
Barry (aka President Obama)
The Republican Response:
We love how this president speaks in code words for racial bias (“reverse plagiarism”? Really!) and refuses to accept any responsibility for the messes he creates (notice how he inserts the word “victim” in his response?). The president is just typifying his preferred constituent – lazy, liberal, and living off the dole, funded by the excessive taxes paid by hard-working Americans. Nothing is his fault, and he, like most Democrats, has “Bush derangement syndrome” -- if it’s a problem, then it must have originated with Dubya. Bush, however, did not spend taxpayer money to bail out Goldman Sachs and take over General Motors. Bush did not serve as a roadblock to the reform of Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, whose jumbo loans to clearly unqualified applicants – forced by the Democrats – are the true seeds of the mortgage crisis (not the actions of our friends in the financial industry, who merely sought to make a well-earned buck off an already existing unfortunate situation).
Moreover, just about every solution our president proposes involves more spending (not to mention more deficit!) and increased government regulation and oversight. Oh, you want advice on how to solve your problem? Well, we disagree with his advice. Beyond that, it is not our job to offer solutions to problems, unless we can propose lower taxes, decreased regulation, or cuts in discretionary spending. If those answers don’t apply, then sorry – you’re on your own.
Dear President Obama,
My 20-something daughter, Buffy, is entering my profession in which I am a leading light. Her boss told her to do some research to solve a knotty problem, she came to me, and I was able to guide her to the right answer (her boss was thrilled). Well, I bragged about it at work, and one of my rivals threw a hissy-fit and accused my daughter of cheating by relying on me to figure it out. My point of view is that this guy is an asshole, and that legitimate research includes asking the opinions of others in the same field, even if they are related to you. I pointed her in the right direction, and she figured it out. There is no nepotism here, but did we screw up? How did Bill handle this with Hilary?
—New Girls Network
Dear Baby Boomer Voter:
First off, kudos to both you and your daughter on demonstrating that our employment figures are growing, and will continue to grow if we stay the course. As for the question you pose, I, too, have been unduly criticized for turning to professionals, of all stripes and philosophies, to advise and assist me in the governing of the United States of America. My critics say that I lack the necessary depth of knowledge in economics, military matters, foreign policy, international relations to effectively govern this country, and that I rely on a cadre of socialist and/or liberal sycophants to tell me what to do. I am here to tell you that nothing could be further than the truth. I listen to many voices and advisors throughout the day, many with differing (and strong) opinions, and they help guide me toward making what I believe is the right decision on any particular issue.
As for my advice, I encourage you and your daughter to do as I do – realize that no matter what you do, there will be people who will rain judgment on what you did or did not do. I have too big of a job to worry about what those people will or will not say, and I am not too proud to accept advice from others when I ask for it. Your daughter should do no less.
Sincerely,
Barry (aka President Obama)
The Republican Response:
We encourage the president to continue to ignore his critics – it makes it all the easier for us in November 2010 and November 2012. There is no doubt that this is the most inexperienced, wet-behind-the-ears Commander in Chief that we have ever had, and his administration will live in infamy due to the ill-informed, wrong-headed choices that the president has made on the prosecution of wars in the Middle East, on health-care, on economic stimulus spending , and on raising taxes. He has mishandled the Gulf oil spill, bank reform, the Arizona immigration law, and the debate on the mosque site near the World Trade Center in Manhattan – heck, he even mishandled that whole beer summit thing! If he’s following advice in addressing these matters, he needs to fire his advisors; if he’s ignoring advice from his advisors, he needs to fire himself (don’t worry, we are confident that the American people will do it for him in 27 months, in any event).
As for your problem, our own advisors did not address that subject with us … oh, wait, Rush and Bill say to ignore your critics. But ignore them differently than the president would ignore them – his way would be the wrong way.
Dear President Obama,
I am a 36 year old widow, who lost my 40-year-old husband to a sudden and unexpected heart attack this year. Losing him was bad enough, but his family has nit-picked all of my choices: from not asking for an autopsy, to my choice of pallbearers, to my pick of his gravestone and the wording of the engraving on it. They have all but accused me of murdering him, have threatened to call one of those TV shows like "Dateline" or "48 Hours" about his suspicious death, and have generally been assholes to me in my time of grief. Now, they've gone and replaced the flowers that my children and I put on their dad's grave with their own bouquet. I want to tell them that they are dead to me, and return all their Christmas cards and gifts. What should I do, Mr. President?
—In-Law Nightmare
Dear Middle-Class Voter:
First, my deepest sympathies for your loss. I have witnessed the grief of many of the families of the brave men and women who returned in coffins from Iraq and Afghanistan, and my heart goes out to you. As for the reaction of your in-laws, I too have experienced the questioning of decisions that I had the prerogative to make (see above). I am not complaining – it goes with the territory. Still, it is frustrating when you are attacked by Republicans for including provisions in a health care bill that had been previously included by those same Republicans in previous health care proposals. Or when you are told that your actions to mend the damage caused by the previous administration – in foreign and in domestic matters – are wrong-headed, pandering, done with a socialist agenda … the list goes on. There is also a small segment of the population that will gleefully believe any outrageous statement that they think paints you in a bad light. Such as the assertion that I am a Muslim – this revelation came after they had squeezed all the juice from the accusation that I attended a cult-like Christian church headed by a radical minister with Black Panther sympathies. As my grandmother used to say, some days you can’t win for trying.
As for your problem, my advice is that you will never satisfy the nay-sayers – so focus on your own life, but leave the door open for dialogue and reconciliation. Someday, they may realize that the Tea Party philosophy and obstructionism are not the path to governing .. oops, that is my problem. I meant to say that they may realize that they overreacted in their grief, and may reach out across the aisle to … I mean, reach out to you to reconnect with you and find a new path together (who the hell is running that teleprompter??!).
Sincerely,
Barry (aka President Obama)
The Republican Response:
This is a typical response from the president, and shows why the voters must send him a message in November that he has set this great country on the wrong path. We are fighting the good fight to stop his socialist agenda, and we will continue that fight until he and the Democrats are no longer in charge of the government so that we can fix things. How will we do that? Um…glad you asked! We will cut discretionary spending in the budget, lower taxes, and restore America’s greatness and respect for the Constitution! How will those steps accomplish our purposes? Um…by reducing the deficit and jump-starting the economy and regaining the respect of the rest of the world and … hey, how about that stroke of luck? We mean, your husband dying in a year with no estate tax and all? We did that! No, no, we didn’t mean it that way – just think of all the money your husband’s estate saved when there was no estate tax… Wait, did you just say that you wouldn’t have paid estate tax anyway because the estate was below the threshold? Oh, in that case, sorry for your loss. Vote Republican in 2010, and send a message!
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Found in My Spam Box From rushglennann@youtool.com
This is an idea that has been percolating for a while – now (after listening to my bearable 5 minutes of Rush Limbaugh), it has come to the surface like deepwater oil in the Gulf. I’m listening to WAY too much AM radio recently.
You TOO Can Start a Conservative Talk Radio Program! In ten (count ‘em, ten) simple steps!
STEP 1: Find an AM radio slot in a Red State. Drive time, graveyard, lunchtime, dinnertime – it doesn’t matter, does it? It’s all protected by the First Amendment and they threw the “fairness doctrine” out the window long ago. Graveyard is the best first rung on the ladder –big rig drivers and insomniacs are a great initial fan base and will swallow whole almost any outrageous thing you say! Stay away from unveiling yourself on college radio – you know how those pointy-headed socialist liberals are.
STEP 2: Make sure you have advertisers. The best ones are the advertisers who will pay you to plug their shoddy products. Hair plugs, investment schemes, gold bullion, herbal ED treatments, escort services – capitalism is alive and well on AM radio! Position yourself well enough, and you can start to hawk a newsletter or e-mail updates to listeners. Think of the lists you can generate and sell to spammers and junk mail. Vive laissez faire!
STEP 3: Stock up on material for the program. Unfortunately, this involves some real work and time (at least until you get unpaid interns to do it for you). Scour the web, FoxNews, newspapers, magazines and web again for talking points and news items that you can spin. As you scan for tidbits, keep in mind the following rules: (a) you are looking for items that fit your agenda, such as misstatements and overreactions from Democrats/liberal groups, scandals by Democratic politicians, and “ignored” stories about evidence against global warming, pedophilia and affairs by liberal leaders (especially if they are gay), lenient judges, mismanagement of military resources, crimes by illegal immigrants, and tea party rallies; and (b) avoid stories that balance out any of the foregoing, such as as misstatements and overreactions from Republicans/conservative groups, scandals by Republican politicians, and stories about evidence showing global warming, pedophilia or affairs involving conservative or tea party leading lights (especially if they involve man-on-man or man-on-boy action), judges who render balanced and fair decisions (unless it’s in favor of a talking point), immigrant success stories (unless they start with arriving in this country 100 years ago), or items about businesses/individuals who seek out and hire illegal immigrants. Obvious bias – such as descriptions of the content of signs at a tea party rally – should be pointed out as typical distortions of the “mainstream media.”
STEP 4: Know your buzz-word combinations. “Liberals”, “Democrats”, and “socialism” should always be equated with “treason”, “communists”, “illegal immigrants”, and “fascism”, either explicitly or by sly implication. The terms “Republican”, “conservative” and “tea party” should be combined with words like “patriotic”, “true Americans”, “honorable”, and “traditional values” – bake that apple pie and wave that flag, folks! “Obama” should have adjectives such as “so-called president,” “Barry Hussein”, “Imam in Chief”, and “Kenyan born”. Don’t be afraid to be creative with his name – “Odumbo”, “Taxama”, and “Obam-bam” are just some examples. Also, “Obamacare”, “Obamadeficit”, and “Obamasocialist”. Have fun!
STEP 5: Remember the cardinal talking points of conservative talk radio: (a) the mainstream media has a leftist agenda and puts a liberal spin on everything it reports; (b) academic elitists, feminists, unions, gay marriage, and chardonnay-swilling East Coast liberals are ruining this country; (c) this country was founded on Christian principles, and we need to get back to those same religious principles to save the Constitution and get us back to the good ol’ U.S. of A. that we all grew up with; (d) “political correctness” and fear of offending tyrannical special interest/ethnic groups have taken away our ability to say what we (and Dr. Laura) need to say in a frank and open manner; (e) liberals are weak and ineffectual, and always try to win their arguments by playing the “race card”; and (f) America has nothing to be ashamed of, no matter what we did or did not do. The overriding principle is that WE are right and THEY are wrong, no matter what the issue is.
STEP 6: Get a good call-screener, and don’t be afraid to “lose a caller by accident”. You are not on National Public Radio, and there is no “fairness doctrine” anymore – hence, there is no obligation to allow a strong advocate for the bad guys on your radio program. Debate societies are for high school – you control the agenda and the viewpoint. Find a screener with that special talent to find the craziest, most irrational caller, if you must accept a call from someone who disagrees with you. Remember – you should never take seriously any contradiction to the truths that you have shared with your listeners. Ridicule it, dismiss it, use it in a satiric radiospot, but NEVER give it credence.
STEP 7: If you repeat something over and over, no matter how outrageous, it becomes the truth for your listeners. If they listen to you for more than five minutes, they are already predisposed to agree with you; if you say a “truth” forcefully (with just the right amount of indignation), and with conviction, they will swallow it hook, line and sinker, repeat it to their friends, and it will gain momentum. Notable recent examples include: “Obama is a Muslim”; “There were weapons of mass destruction in Iraq”; “No official Hawaiian birth certificate exists”; and “They are trying to force death panels on us”. Because most people will not believe that you would have the audacity to tell a big lie, they will automatically believe that you must be telling the truth! You can have some fun with this – the more ridiculous, the better. Even if something you said is disproved, all the fact-checking in the world will not eliminate the traces of truthiness – and, of course, those fact checkers have their own agenda to discredit you and suppress the real truth…
STEP 8: Live by the axiom “A partial quote -- out of context -- is a thing of beauty forever.” If you must cite to a newspaper article or play back a speech, cherry-pick the best parts that highlight your agenda and ignore anything that modifies or places that thought in a broader or different context. Hollywood publicists are masters of this – study and learn. “A colossal waste of time that trumps every other terrible movie ever made” becomes “Colossal…trumps every other movie ever made”. If you do it properly, you can make a heartwarming story of a black government official overcoming her own prejudices to help out a white farmer into a despicable tale of black vs. white racism and reverse discrimination – and force overreactions and resignations (a pinnacle moment in our world). Short clips and edited excerpts – presented with your commentary, along with judicious amounts of disbelief and outrage that these things are actually being said – will fill hours of airtime, and generate many callers.
STEP 9: The last two steps are the most important – and will be revealed to you once you pay $99.95 and order our complete series, with guaranteed updates on a monthly basis (for a modest additional fee). Hey, it’s a free country, but nothing is REALLY free in our great capitalist system. Join the exclusive club (where we are free to assemble with who we like, without fear of namby-pamby anti-discrimination laws) by sending your name, address, phone number, social security number, mother’s maiden name, bank account information, a complete asset report on our form, and at least two credit card numbers to the link at the bottom of this e-mail (and remember to take us out of your spam box). Join up, and in a very short time, you will learn everything you need to know about the ins and outs of starting your very own platform for your important opinions and beliefs! Supplies are limited, and demand is overwhelming, so don’t delay!
You TOO Can Start a Conservative Talk Radio Program! In ten (count ‘em, ten) simple steps!
STEP 1: Find an AM radio slot in a Red State. Drive time, graveyard, lunchtime, dinnertime – it doesn’t matter, does it? It’s all protected by the First Amendment and they threw the “fairness doctrine” out the window long ago. Graveyard is the best first rung on the ladder –big rig drivers and insomniacs are a great initial fan base and will swallow whole almost any outrageous thing you say! Stay away from unveiling yourself on college radio – you know how those pointy-headed socialist liberals are.
STEP 2: Make sure you have advertisers. The best ones are the advertisers who will pay you to plug their shoddy products. Hair plugs, investment schemes, gold bullion, herbal ED treatments, escort services – capitalism is alive and well on AM radio! Position yourself well enough, and you can start to hawk a newsletter or e-mail updates to listeners. Think of the lists you can generate and sell to spammers and junk mail. Vive laissez faire!
STEP 3: Stock up on material for the program. Unfortunately, this involves some real work and time (at least until you get unpaid interns to do it for you). Scour the web, FoxNews, newspapers, magazines and web again for talking points and news items that you can spin. As you scan for tidbits, keep in mind the following rules: (a) you are looking for items that fit your agenda, such as misstatements and overreactions from Democrats/liberal groups, scandals by Democratic politicians, and “ignored” stories about evidence against global warming, pedophilia and affairs by liberal leaders (especially if they are gay), lenient judges, mismanagement of military resources, crimes by illegal immigrants, and tea party rallies; and (b) avoid stories that balance out any of the foregoing, such as as misstatements and overreactions from Republicans/conservative groups, scandals by Republican politicians, and stories about evidence showing global warming, pedophilia or affairs involving conservative or tea party leading lights (especially if they involve man-on-man or man-on-boy action), judges who render balanced and fair decisions (unless it’s in favor of a talking point), immigrant success stories (unless they start with arriving in this country 100 years ago), or items about businesses/individuals who seek out and hire illegal immigrants. Obvious bias – such as descriptions of the content of signs at a tea party rally – should be pointed out as typical distortions of the “mainstream media.”
STEP 4: Know your buzz-word combinations. “Liberals”, “Democrats”, and “socialism” should always be equated with “treason”, “communists”, “illegal immigrants”, and “fascism”, either explicitly or by sly implication. The terms “Republican”, “conservative” and “tea party” should be combined with words like “patriotic”, “true Americans”, “honorable”, and “traditional values” – bake that apple pie and wave that flag, folks! “Obama” should have adjectives such as “so-called president,” “Barry Hussein”, “Imam in Chief”, and “Kenyan born”. Don’t be afraid to be creative with his name – “Odumbo”, “Taxama”, and “Obam-bam” are just some examples. Also, “Obamacare”, “Obamadeficit”, and “Obamasocialist”. Have fun!
STEP 5: Remember the cardinal talking points of conservative talk radio: (a) the mainstream media has a leftist agenda and puts a liberal spin on everything it reports; (b) academic elitists, feminists, unions, gay marriage, and chardonnay-swilling East Coast liberals are ruining this country; (c) this country was founded on Christian principles, and we need to get back to those same religious principles to save the Constitution and get us back to the good ol’ U.S. of A. that we all grew up with; (d) “political correctness” and fear of offending tyrannical special interest/ethnic groups have taken away our ability to say what we (and Dr. Laura) need to say in a frank and open manner; (e) liberals are weak and ineffectual, and always try to win their arguments by playing the “race card”; and (f) America has nothing to be ashamed of, no matter what we did or did not do. The overriding principle is that WE are right and THEY are wrong, no matter what the issue is.
STEP 6: Get a good call-screener, and don’t be afraid to “lose a caller by accident”. You are not on National Public Radio, and there is no “fairness doctrine” anymore – hence, there is no obligation to allow a strong advocate for the bad guys on your radio program. Debate societies are for high school – you control the agenda and the viewpoint. Find a screener with that special talent to find the craziest, most irrational caller, if you must accept a call from someone who disagrees with you. Remember – you should never take seriously any contradiction to the truths that you have shared with your listeners. Ridicule it, dismiss it, use it in a satiric radiospot, but NEVER give it credence.
STEP 7: If you repeat something over and over, no matter how outrageous, it becomes the truth for your listeners. If they listen to you for more than five minutes, they are already predisposed to agree with you; if you say a “truth” forcefully (with just the right amount of indignation), and with conviction, they will swallow it hook, line and sinker, repeat it to their friends, and it will gain momentum. Notable recent examples include: “Obama is a Muslim”; “There were weapons of mass destruction in Iraq”; “No official Hawaiian birth certificate exists”; and “They are trying to force death panels on us”. Because most people will not believe that you would have the audacity to tell a big lie, they will automatically believe that you must be telling the truth! You can have some fun with this – the more ridiculous, the better. Even if something you said is disproved, all the fact-checking in the world will not eliminate the traces of truthiness – and, of course, those fact checkers have their own agenda to discredit you and suppress the real truth…
STEP 8: Live by the axiom “A partial quote -- out of context -- is a thing of beauty forever.” If you must cite to a newspaper article or play back a speech, cherry-pick the best parts that highlight your agenda and ignore anything that modifies or places that thought in a broader or different context. Hollywood publicists are masters of this – study and learn. “A colossal waste of time that trumps every other terrible movie ever made” becomes “Colossal…trumps every other movie ever made”. If you do it properly, you can make a heartwarming story of a black government official overcoming her own prejudices to help out a white farmer into a despicable tale of black vs. white racism and reverse discrimination – and force overreactions and resignations (a pinnacle moment in our world). Short clips and edited excerpts – presented with your commentary, along with judicious amounts of disbelief and outrage that these things are actually being said – will fill hours of airtime, and generate many callers.
STEP 9: The last two steps are the most important – and will be revealed to you once you pay $99.95 and order our complete series, with guaranteed updates on a monthly basis (for a modest additional fee). Hey, it’s a free country, but nothing is REALLY free in our great capitalist system. Join the exclusive club (where we are free to assemble with who we like, without fear of namby-pamby anti-discrimination laws) by sending your name, address, phone number, social security number, mother’s maiden name, bank account information, a complete asset report on our form, and at least two credit card numbers to the link at the bottom of this e-mail (and remember to take us out of your spam box). Join up, and in a very short time, you will learn everything you need to know about the ins and outs of starting your very own platform for your important opinions and beliefs! Supplies are limited, and demand is overwhelming, so don’t delay!
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
The Cultural Wars
Still true today, even more than before.
"""""""THIS IS A FIXNEWS SPECIAL REPORT""""""""
Dateline: The Cultural War – the Front Line
This is Ned Anderthal, FixNews special correspondent, reporting to you from the bloody aftermath. Earlier today, our party …er, excuse me, country’s first strike team “The Dittoheads” engaged the enemy in front of this very Muslim mosque disguised as a recreation center, soon to be the site of many, many sanguine skirmishes.
While we are not able to show you actual footage (for plausible deniability reasons), let me attempt to describe the battle. Our brave boys, each one a paragon of hairy, masculine heterosexuality, fanned out to the far right of the building, in propaganda formation. They were armed with filibusters, a strict construction of the Constitution, a traditional definition of “marriage”, deficit numbers, Hawaiian birth certificates, and the Old Testament. Facing them were ragtag troops of FemiNazis, Socialists, Gay Activists, Tree Huggers, ProChoicers, and ACLU Stormtroopers, consisting mostly of Atheists, all led by the Anti-Christ Barack HUSSEIN Obama and his favorite Wiccan proto-lesbian, Nancy Pelosi. In the middle, various independents, Blue-Dog Democrats, and lapsed Republicans milled about aimlessly. Some non-Tea Party Libertarians sat on the side in lawnchairs, popcorn in hand.
The Leftie enemy initiated a bombardment of legal briefs, followed by a round of kumbayas. We sent in our Tea Party shock troops, wielding signs showing their Muslim, Kenyan president with a Hitler mustache and a suicide bomb vest. Our manly men began a retaliatory thrust with the Lord’s Prayer and several Palinisms, and quickly erected a defensive crèche to enrage the Atheists. Glenn Beck whipped out his conspiracy chalkboard, feinted a charge led by the trickle-down economy and a return to the gold standard, and the casualties on the left began to mount. But the battle was far from over – the Lefties pulled out a televised wardrobe malfunction and the First Amendment. This tactic unfortunately froze our troops (who did not know whether to be fascinated or disgusted), and caused them to lobby for parental control devices. While they were distracted, the enemy hit our flank with commie professors and liberal judges, who they had held in reserve for just this moment. The air was filled with media flack and various spin devices, decimating our poll numbers. Our bloggers and AM radio talk radio hosts attempted to rally, but were enjoined by the NAACP, who once again was deceived into joining the fight on the wrong side. Words cannot describe the loss of credibility – oh, the humanity!
After the battle was over, General Limbaugh gathered the remnants, propagandized them, assigned them nicknames, and proclaimed “Mission Accomplished.” He left to promote more tax cuts, take some Viagra, and recruit more strict constructionists and believers in a Christian nation. This fight may be over, but the war goes on.
Ned Anderthal, FixNews. Many dittos, and back to you!
"""""""THIS IS A FIXNEWS SPECIAL REPORT""""""""
Dateline: The Cultural War – the Front Line
This is Ned Anderthal, FixNews special correspondent, reporting to you from the bloody aftermath. Earlier today, our party …er, excuse me, country’s first strike team “The Dittoheads” engaged the enemy in front of this very Muslim mosque disguised as a recreation center, soon to be the site of many, many sanguine skirmishes.
While we are not able to show you actual footage (for plausible deniability reasons), let me attempt to describe the battle. Our brave boys, each one a paragon of hairy, masculine heterosexuality, fanned out to the far right of the building, in propaganda formation. They were armed with filibusters, a strict construction of the Constitution, a traditional definition of “marriage”, deficit numbers, Hawaiian birth certificates, and the Old Testament. Facing them were ragtag troops of FemiNazis, Socialists, Gay Activists, Tree Huggers, ProChoicers, and ACLU Stormtroopers, consisting mostly of Atheists, all led by the Anti-Christ Barack HUSSEIN Obama and his favorite Wiccan proto-lesbian, Nancy Pelosi. In the middle, various independents, Blue-Dog Democrats, and lapsed Republicans milled about aimlessly. Some non-Tea Party Libertarians sat on the side in lawnchairs, popcorn in hand.
The Leftie enemy initiated a bombardment of legal briefs, followed by a round of kumbayas. We sent in our Tea Party shock troops, wielding signs showing their Muslim, Kenyan president with a Hitler mustache and a suicide bomb vest. Our manly men began a retaliatory thrust with the Lord’s Prayer and several Palinisms, and quickly erected a defensive crèche to enrage the Atheists. Glenn Beck whipped out his conspiracy chalkboard, feinted a charge led by the trickle-down economy and a return to the gold standard, and the casualties on the left began to mount. But the battle was far from over – the Lefties pulled out a televised wardrobe malfunction and the First Amendment. This tactic unfortunately froze our troops (who did not know whether to be fascinated or disgusted), and caused them to lobby for parental control devices. While they were distracted, the enemy hit our flank with commie professors and liberal judges, who they had held in reserve for just this moment. The air was filled with media flack and various spin devices, decimating our poll numbers. Our bloggers and AM radio talk radio hosts attempted to rally, but were enjoined by the NAACP, who once again was deceived into joining the fight on the wrong side. Words cannot describe the loss of credibility – oh, the humanity!
After the battle was over, General Limbaugh gathered the remnants, propagandized them, assigned them nicknames, and proclaimed “Mission Accomplished.” He left to promote more tax cuts, take some Viagra, and recruit more strict constructionists and believers in a Christian nation. This fight may be over, but the war goes on.
Ned Anderthal, FixNews. Many dittos, and back to you!
Monday, August 23, 2010
Dr. Laurie Speaks -- from February 2009
Another Dr. Laura parody -- one of my favorites:
Have you ever wondered how another, well-known dispenser of advice to the lovelorn and alienated would handle these letters? (Note: any resemblance to a certain obnoxious, insensitive radio personality who uses the title “Doctor” is purely intentional). Prudie may be obnoxious herself, but she’s a creampuff next to: Dr. Laurie!
Dear Dr. Laurie,
My wife and I have been married for a thoroughly enjoyable three years, but we've recently fallen on hard times. At nearly 30, I now realize becoming a screenwriter should be Plan B, although I still have to find Plan A. My wife is a 24-year-old student. We'd like to start a family but can't for a few years. She has suggested egg donation. From the various listings, it sounds like we could make $6,000-8,000 per shot. As she sees it, we'd be helping a determined couple have a family, we could use the money, and she's just "flushing them down the toilet every month" anyway. Any child would be lucky to share her genes—she's smart and gorgeous. But I have concerns. First, I think these hopeful parents should consider adopting. Second, despite the technicalities, I have a hard time seeing her eggs merely as genetic material. Part of me feels that since any child that results from this would be half my wife, I would feel a sense of responsibility for it and its well-being. What should we do?
—Leggo My Eggo
Dear Hollywood Dad:
A 30 year old screenwriter? Really? Do you really think that you have chosen a profession in which you can provide for a wife and children, or are you just selfishly chasing an adolescent dream? Also, as I recall, “screenwriter” (at least in California) is a code word for “loser on unemployment and/or welfare who sits at Starbucks all day and pretends to do something useful.”
Allow me to suggest a dynamite idea for a screenplay: Daddy Dearest and Mommy Moron, in their quest to gather enough money to buy a new Hi-Def TV and take that dream vacation to Hawaii, grub for funds by selling their future children. Regrets and drama abound when they realize that they have sold their precious ones to complete strangers, who turn out to be abusive and derelict parents. Courts can’t help and the law can’t help, because they signed away all parental rights for a few shekels.
Stop playing a dad on TV, and be a real parent and husband. Find a real job (maybe barrista at your favorite coffee shop). Exercise your prerogative and forbid this dangerous nonsense! Your wife will thank you later, when you are gainfully employed and surrounded by your darling rugrats. Remember, folks – it’s all about the children (born or unborn).
Dr. Laurie, responsibly.
Dear Dr. Laurie:
I am an only child with a single mother who's very dependent on me. She is a smart and passionate woman, and we have a sometimes-stormy relationship. We have worked hard to develop a friendship as I approach my late 20s. She recently moved across the country to be near me. She knows no one here and has made me the focus of her life. I encourage her to develop friendships, introduce her to people, and help her engage in new activities. However, I am feeling suffocated, largely because of Facebook. She recently "friended" me. Now, she posts embarrassing, nasty, and downright weird messages on my page about my personality and even my behavior as a child. Most of the comments would offend me if she said them to my friends, let alone put them where everyone I know can read them. I have tried to casually mention this, but she laughs and brushes aside my concerns. What do I do? Is my only option to "defriend" my mom?
—Friends With Mom
Dear Electra in an Electronic Age:
Your mom was a “single mom” who raised you as an only child? What happened to Dad, or were you the product of donated sperm? (Yes, people, it happens both ways. Just like eggs, every sperm is sacred and should not be wasted). Obviously, you hold a lot of anger because your mom was too selfish to raise you with another parent of the opposite sex, and your mom now resents you because parenting by yourself is like rowing a boat with only one arm. Going in circles, dear – circles. I have no doubt that you had to work hard to be civil to each other, and I question whether this “friendship” with your mother is really “barely repressed fury and resentment under a veneer of reluctant politeness.”
I also question whether you are following your mother’s trend of questionable decision-making. Seriously, is Facebook the sole repository of all your friendships and relationships? Close the account and find another way to meet people. Get out there, find a spouse the traditional way, and reduce your contact with your mother to an occasional dinner. Your example may inspire her to push away the computer and find her own life, instead of posting about how many times she had to change your diaper.
Dr. Laurie, reflectively
Dear Dr. Laurie,
Ever since I can remember, my thumbs have been noticeably abnormal. Each has a large bump sticking out the side, and I cannot bend them. I often feel self-conscious about these deformities. I hate having to shake someone's hand, for fear that they will be freaked out by my thumbs. Having taken piano lessons for many years, I always worried that my teachers were going to be focused on my thumbs and not my music. I feel like a weirdo! My boyfriend doesn't seem to care that my thumbs are different, but I wish there was something I could do to have normal, bendable thumbs. What should I do?
—Unbendable
Dear Thumbellina:
I read something else in your letter – an anorexic in the making. Seriously, it’s just a short step from looking in the mirror and seeing your thumbs as if they were drawn by R. Crumb, to looking in the mirror and seeing a body drawn by Dr. Seuss. It’s all in your mind – your thumbs are not that big, and neither is your butt. Find some counseling (and a surgeon to bend those thumbs, if necessary) – I guarantee that 90% of your thumb problem starts in your mind, rather than at the ends of your hands.
Dr. Laurie, discerningly
Dear Dr. Laurie,
I work in a small office of half a dozen people. We are not social outside of work, but we get along very well in the office. I am usually the first one to go to lunch, and two or three times a week I will grab food at a restaurant and take it back to eat at my desk. Inevitably, when I announce my departure, someone will ask, "Where are you going?" If it's someplace appealing, they will ask if I can pick something up. It often turns into an officewide affair, with people looking up menus online, running to ATMs, making change, writing down their orders. To be fair, they usually ask me if I want anything when they are going somewhere. Though I like my co-workers, I don't really want lunch to be a social affair. I see it as an opportunity just to get away. How can I do that without disrupting the office atmosphere?
—Lunchtime Is My Time
Dear Jackass in a Box:
Ever hear of something called a “brown bag lunch”? It’s frugal, smart, and respectful. If you must eat at your desk – a simple sandwich, a bag of chips and a piece of fruit work very well. Otherwise, be aware that food aromas and small offices don’t mix. Why are your fellow wage slaves giving you orders to fill? Passive hostility and a desire to overcome the invasive smells of your Enchilada Supreme with the fumes coming off their own meals. If you must waste money on lunch, eating out is your best solution. If you resist this good advice, expect that your officemates will continue to treat you like Captain Kruller every time you head for the exit at noon.
Dr. Laurie, hungrily
Have you ever wondered how another, well-known dispenser of advice to the lovelorn and alienated would handle these letters? (Note: any resemblance to a certain obnoxious, insensitive radio personality who uses the title “Doctor” is purely intentional). Prudie may be obnoxious herself, but she’s a creampuff next to: Dr. Laurie!
Dear Dr. Laurie,
My wife and I have been married for a thoroughly enjoyable three years, but we've recently fallen on hard times. At nearly 30, I now realize becoming a screenwriter should be Plan B, although I still have to find Plan A. My wife is a 24-year-old student. We'd like to start a family but can't for a few years. She has suggested egg donation. From the various listings, it sounds like we could make $6,000-8,000 per shot. As she sees it, we'd be helping a determined couple have a family, we could use the money, and she's just "flushing them down the toilet every month" anyway. Any child would be lucky to share her genes—she's smart and gorgeous. But I have concerns. First, I think these hopeful parents should consider adopting. Second, despite the technicalities, I have a hard time seeing her eggs merely as genetic material. Part of me feels that since any child that results from this would be half my wife, I would feel a sense of responsibility for it and its well-being. What should we do?
—Leggo My Eggo
Dear Hollywood Dad:
A 30 year old screenwriter? Really? Do you really think that you have chosen a profession in which you can provide for a wife and children, or are you just selfishly chasing an adolescent dream? Also, as I recall, “screenwriter” (at least in California) is a code word for “loser on unemployment and/or welfare who sits at Starbucks all day and pretends to do something useful.”
Allow me to suggest a dynamite idea for a screenplay: Daddy Dearest and Mommy Moron, in their quest to gather enough money to buy a new Hi-Def TV and take that dream vacation to Hawaii, grub for funds by selling their future children. Regrets and drama abound when they realize that they have sold their precious ones to complete strangers, who turn out to be abusive and derelict parents. Courts can’t help and the law can’t help, because they signed away all parental rights for a few shekels.
Stop playing a dad on TV, and be a real parent and husband. Find a real job (maybe barrista at your favorite coffee shop). Exercise your prerogative and forbid this dangerous nonsense! Your wife will thank you later, when you are gainfully employed and surrounded by your darling rugrats. Remember, folks – it’s all about the children (born or unborn).
Dr. Laurie, responsibly.
Dear Dr. Laurie:
I am an only child with a single mother who's very dependent on me. She is a smart and passionate woman, and we have a sometimes-stormy relationship. We have worked hard to develop a friendship as I approach my late 20s. She recently moved across the country to be near me. She knows no one here and has made me the focus of her life. I encourage her to develop friendships, introduce her to people, and help her engage in new activities. However, I am feeling suffocated, largely because of Facebook. She recently "friended" me. Now, she posts embarrassing, nasty, and downright weird messages on my page about my personality and even my behavior as a child. Most of the comments would offend me if she said them to my friends, let alone put them where everyone I know can read them. I have tried to casually mention this, but she laughs and brushes aside my concerns. What do I do? Is my only option to "defriend" my mom?
—Friends With Mom
Dear Electra in an Electronic Age:
Your mom was a “single mom” who raised you as an only child? What happened to Dad, or were you the product of donated sperm? (Yes, people, it happens both ways. Just like eggs, every sperm is sacred and should not be wasted). Obviously, you hold a lot of anger because your mom was too selfish to raise you with another parent of the opposite sex, and your mom now resents you because parenting by yourself is like rowing a boat with only one arm. Going in circles, dear – circles. I have no doubt that you had to work hard to be civil to each other, and I question whether this “friendship” with your mother is really “barely repressed fury and resentment under a veneer of reluctant politeness.”
I also question whether you are following your mother’s trend of questionable decision-making. Seriously, is Facebook the sole repository of all your friendships and relationships? Close the account and find another way to meet people. Get out there, find a spouse the traditional way, and reduce your contact with your mother to an occasional dinner. Your example may inspire her to push away the computer and find her own life, instead of posting about how many times she had to change your diaper.
Dr. Laurie, reflectively
Dear Dr. Laurie,
Ever since I can remember, my thumbs have been noticeably abnormal. Each has a large bump sticking out the side, and I cannot bend them. I often feel self-conscious about these deformities. I hate having to shake someone's hand, for fear that they will be freaked out by my thumbs. Having taken piano lessons for many years, I always worried that my teachers were going to be focused on my thumbs and not my music. I feel like a weirdo! My boyfriend doesn't seem to care that my thumbs are different, but I wish there was something I could do to have normal, bendable thumbs. What should I do?
—Unbendable
Dear Thumbellina:
I read something else in your letter – an anorexic in the making. Seriously, it’s just a short step from looking in the mirror and seeing your thumbs as if they were drawn by R. Crumb, to looking in the mirror and seeing a body drawn by Dr. Seuss. It’s all in your mind – your thumbs are not that big, and neither is your butt. Find some counseling (and a surgeon to bend those thumbs, if necessary) – I guarantee that 90% of your thumb problem starts in your mind, rather than at the ends of your hands.
Dr. Laurie, discerningly
Dear Dr. Laurie,
I work in a small office of half a dozen people. We are not social outside of work, but we get along very well in the office. I am usually the first one to go to lunch, and two or three times a week I will grab food at a restaurant and take it back to eat at my desk. Inevitably, when I announce my departure, someone will ask, "Where are you going?" If it's someplace appealing, they will ask if I can pick something up. It often turns into an officewide affair, with people looking up menus online, running to ATMs, making change, writing down their orders. To be fair, they usually ask me if I want anything when they are going somewhere. Though I like my co-workers, I don't really want lunch to be a social affair. I see it as an opportunity just to get away. How can I do that without disrupting the office atmosphere?
—Lunchtime Is My Time
Dear Jackass in a Box:
Ever hear of something called a “brown bag lunch”? It’s frugal, smart, and respectful. If you must eat at your desk – a simple sandwich, a bag of chips and a piece of fruit work very well. Otherwise, be aware that food aromas and small offices don’t mix. Why are your fellow wage slaves giving you orders to fill? Passive hostility and a desire to overcome the invasive smells of your Enchilada Supreme with the fumes coming off their own meals. If you must waste money on lunch, eating out is your best solution. If you resist this good advice, expect that your officemates will continue to treat you like Captain Kruller every time you head for the exit at noon.
Dr. Laurie, hungrily
Dr. Laura Does Prudie Redux
Below is my last run as Dr. Laura answering the Dear Prudie letters, in honor of her impending announced retirement (notwithstanding my suspicion that it is a “Farve retirement”, not a real retirement). Note: I will not use the heinous word that Dr. Laura used multiple times before she took herself off the air. Instead, I will liberally use the word “Booger”, which got the late great Dr. Johnny Fever booted off several radio jobs in a more innocent time. Enjoy! I will post some other, older "Dr. Laurie" parodies to get the blog going ...
Dear Dr. Laura,
When I was 6 years old, I accused a man of cornering me in a bathroom because he "made me feel weird." (Now that I am older, I suspect that he may have been slightly mentally handicapped.) The truth is that I made up the story about the man because I didn't want to go home with my father, an abusive alcoholic, but I was too scared to tell him that. I never said the man touched me, but my father was convinced something terrible had happened to me, and I know the cops and judicial system were somehow involved. This man is probably listed as a sexual offender because of me! It's the most horrible thing I've ever done, most likely ruining a man's life, and I am deeply ashamed. I want to try to rectify this awful lie, but I am completely at a loss as to what to do. I was so young that I don't remember many of the details. I'm also aware that there may be legal ramifications for me in coming forward—which maybe I deserve. What do I do?
—Facing the Past
Dear Dr. Laura,
A close family member and I have a stormy relationship. She's fiercely competitive with me and is a bully. I have severely limited our contact because of this. Recently, I found out that she was having difficulties at her job, which she frequently does, since she is hard to get along with. My problem is that I received news she's applied to work at my company. If she got the job, she and I would have regular contact. I worked hard for my job and enjoy it very much. This family member would put my career in jeopardy. I've asked her not to pursue the job, but she is determined. She has a difficult family life—young children and an impending divorce—and I know that times are tough. But she wouldn't be an asset to the team, and, yes, selfishly I don't want to work with her. I am in a senior enough position that I could say a quiet word to ensure that she doesn't get hired. Does this make me a horrible person?
—What Do I Do?
Dear Dr. Laura,
I've been dating my (perfect, wonderful, ideal, etc.) boyfriend for just over two years. Everything is great, except for one thing: Early on in the relationship, I lied in a pretty significant way about the number of sexual partners I'd had. He was a virgin before we met, and he was viciously jealous about any guy I had hooked up with before him. At the time, we had been fighting about one of those guys. All of a sudden, he asked my number. Lying just seemed like the easiest thing to do. I had gotten a full STD screening before we became intimate, so the lie couldn't hurt him physically. But it would definitely hurt him emotionally to know I had been with more people than I admitted to. Lately, I have been absolutely consumed by guilt over this. I worry he'll find out somehow, and it makes me feel sick to think how he'll react. But I fear that if I do tell him, he may never be able to get past it. Please help.
—Worried
Dear Prudence,
I am a divorced mother of a minor son. Due to money issues, I have either lived in a one-bedroom apartment or a two-bedroom apartment with a roommate. I have my son about four times a month overnight. When he is with me, he sleeps in bed with me, because I can't afford a separate bedroom. On occasion, when my boyfriend comes over, we have my son sleep on the sofa while I sleep with my boyfriend. My ex has a huge issue with this. I tell him I am not doing anything wrong, and he agrees, but says I'm not doing what's right, either. Your opinion could give me fuel to fight his argument.
—One Bed
Dear Dr. Laura,
When I was 6 years old, I accused a man of cornering me in a bathroom because he "made me feel weird." (Now that I am older, I suspect that he may have been slightly mentally handicapped.) The truth is that I made up the story about the man because I didn't want to go home with my father, an abusive alcoholic, but I was too scared to tell him that. I never said the man touched me, but my father was convinced something terrible had happened to me, and I know the cops and judicial system were somehow involved. This man is probably listed as a sexual offender because of me! It's the most horrible thing I've ever done, most likely ruining a man's life, and I am deeply ashamed. I want to try to rectify this awful lie, but I am completely at a loss as to what to do. I was so young that I don't remember many of the details. I'm also aware that there may be legal ramifications for me in coming forward—which maybe I deserve. What do I do?
—Facing the Past
Dear Two Face:
How dare you?! I’ll say it again: How dare you?! You were blessed with a father who did exactly as he should have done – protect you from a Booger who was obviously a dangerous sexual predator. You were six years old. Who are you to question the actions of responsible adults? If the Booger was not a pedophile dirtbag, he would not have been convicted. This Booger belonged in prison with all the other Boogers like him. The man you are slandering here is your father, who you should honor in all respects. Instead, you accuse him of being an “abusive alcoholic” and imply that he railroaded some poor Booger who dared to look at his daughter the wrong way. What do you deserve? If you were still six years old, I would say you deserve a healthy dose of the rod. Shame, shame!
A close family member and I have a stormy relationship. She's fiercely competitive with me and is a bully. I have severely limited our contact because of this. Recently, I found out that she was having difficulties at her job, which she frequently does, since she is hard to get along with. My problem is that I received news she's applied to work at my company. If she got the job, she and I would have regular contact. I worked hard for my job and enjoy it very much. This family member would put my career in jeopardy. I've asked her not to pursue the job, but she is determined. She has a difficult family life—young children and an impending divorce—and I know that times are tough. But she wouldn't be an asset to the team, and, yes, selfishly I don't want to work with her. I am in a senior enough position that I could say a quiet word to ensure that she doesn't get hired. Does this make me a horrible person?
—What Do I Do?
Dear Cindy:
Yes, I know that it’s you, “dear” sister. You and the main stream media liberals will stop at nothing to tear me down and shut me up. Well, I refuse to be your Booger, and I refuse to withdraw my job application merely because you are in the same company. I need a new outlet to express myself freely without government interference, and you need to back down and get out of my way. And yes, you are a horrible person (and so was Mom). I’ll see you at around the water cooler, sis.
I've been dating my (perfect, wonderful, ideal, etc.) boyfriend for just over two years. Everything is great, except for one thing: Early on in the relationship, I lied in a pretty significant way about the number of sexual partners I'd had. He was a virgin before we met, and he was viciously jealous about any guy I had hooked up with before him. At the time, we had been fighting about one of those guys. All of a sudden, he asked my number. Lying just seemed like the easiest thing to do. I had gotten a full STD screening before we became intimate, so the lie couldn't hurt him physically. But it would definitely hurt him emotionally to know I had been with more people than I admitted to. Lately, I have been absolutely consumed by guilt over this. I worry he'll find out somehow, and it makes me feel sick to think how he'll react. But I fear that if I do tell him, he may never be able to get past it. Please help.
—Worried
Dear Slut:
Tell Dr. Laura – how many Boogers did you open your legs for? The only good thing about your letter is that you didn’t catch a STD while playing sexual roulette. Was it fun to bag a virgin as your last trophy? You don’t deserve this man unless you own up to your past life as a rock-n-roll carnival ride for every Booger you happened to meet on the street. If he dumps you, then it’s good riddance to bad rubbish. If he keeps you – well, you lucked into a good situation despite being damaged goods. That is, until your next affair.
I am a divorced mother of a minor son. Due to money issues, I have either lived in a one-bedroom apartment or a two-bedroom apartment with a roommate. I have my son about four times a month overnight. When he is with me, he sleeps in bed with me, because I can't afford a separate bedroom. On occasion, when my boyfriend comes over, we have my son sleep on the sofa while I sleep with my boyfriend. My ex has a huge issue with this. I tell him I am not doing anything wrong, and he agrees, but says I'm not doing what's right, either. Your opinion could give me fuel to fight his argument.
—One Bed
Dear Slut Mom:
You want my opinion? My opinion is that you are a terrible mother, and your ex should have custody of your son. You are causing incalculable damage to your little boy by acting like a Booger and letting your boyfriend ride the mattress express while Junior sleeps in the next room. Let me take the gloves off now – I think that you are lower than a Booger …
At this point, I inserted " Wait – the Slate editors are daring to censor me? For using the common term “Booger”? That’s it – I retire! I will take my talents to a forum where I am appreciated and I can speak freely. I hear “The Fly” has an opening…" (pun fully intended).
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