This is an idea that has been percolating for a while – now (after listening to my bearable 5 minutes of Rush Limbaugh), it has come to the surface like deepwater oil in the Gulf. I’m listening to WAY too much AM radio recently.
You TOO Can Start a Conservative Talk Radio Program! In ten (count ‘em, ten) simple steps!
STEP 1: Find an AM radio slot in a Red State. Drive time, graveyard, lunchtime, dinnertime – it doesn’t matter, does it? It’s all protected by the First Amendment and they threw the “fairness doctrine” out the window long ago. Graveyard is the best first rung on the ladder –big rig drivers and insomniacs are a great initial fan base and will swallow whole almost any outrageous thing you say! Stay away from unveiling yourself on college radio – you know how those pointy-headed socialist liberals are.
STEP 2: Make sure you have advertisers. The best ones are the advertisers who will pay you to plug their shoddy products. Hair plugs, investment schemes, gold bullion, herbal ED treatments, escort services – capitalism is alive and well on AM radio! Position yourself well enough, and you can start to hawk a newsletter or e-mail updates to listeners. Think of the lists you can generate and sell to spammers and junk mail. Vive laissez faire!
STEP 3: Stock up on material for the program. Unfortunately, this involves some real work and time (at least until you get unpaid interns to do it for you). Scour the web, FoxNews, newspapers, magazines and web again for talking points and news items that you can spin. As you scan for tidbits, keep in mind the following rules: (a) you are looking for items that fit your agenda, such as misstatements and overreactions from Democrats/liberal groups, scandals by Democratic politicians, and “ignored” stories about evidence against global warming, pedophilia and affairs by liberal leaders (especially if they are gay), lenient judges, mismanagement of military resources, crimes by illegal immigrants, and tea party rallies; and (b) avoid stories that balance out any of the foregoing, such as as misstatements and overreactions from Republicans/conservative groups, scandals by Republican politicians, and stories about evidence showing global warming, pedophilia or affairs involving conservative or tea party leading lights (especially if they involve man-on-man or man-on-boy action), judges who render balanced and fair decisions (unless it’s in favor of a talking point), immigrant success stories (unless they start with arriving in this country 100 years ago), or items about businesses/individuals who seek out and hire illegal immigrants. Obvious bias – such as descriptions of the content of signs at a tea party rally – should be pointed out as typical distortions of the “mainstream media.”
STEP 4: Know your buzz-word combinations. “Liberals”, “Democrats”, and “socialism” should always be equated with “treason”, “communists”, “illegal immigrants”, and “fascism”, either explicitly or by sly implication. The terms “Republican”, “conservative” and “tea party” should be combined with words like “patriotic”, “true Americans”, “honorable”, and “traditional values” – bake that apple pie and wave that flag, folks! “Obama” should have adjectives such as “so-called president,” “Barry Hussein”, “Imam in Chief”, and “Kenyan born”. Don’t be afraid to be creative with his name – “Odumbo”, “Taxama”, and “Obam-bam” are just some examples. Also, “Obamacare”, “Obamadeficit”, and “Obamasocialist”. Have fun!
STEP 5: Remember the cardinal talking points of conservative talk radio: (a) the mainstream media has a leftist agenda and puts a liberal spin on everything it reports; (b) academic elitists, feminists, unions, gay marriage, and chardonnay-swilling East Coast liberals are ruining this country; (c) this country was founded on Christian principles, and we need to get back to those same religious principles to save the Constitution and get us back to the good ol’ U.S. of A. that we all grew up with; (d) “political correctness” and fear of offending tyrannical special interest/ethnic groups have taken away our ability to say what we (and Dr. Laura) need to say in a frank and open manner; (e) liberals are weak and ineffectual, and always try to win their arguments by playing the “race card”; and (f) America has nothing to be ashamed of, no matter what we did or did not do. The overriding principle is that WE are right and THEY are wrong, no matter what the issue is.
STEP 6: Get a good call-screener, and don’t be afraid to “lose a caller by accident”. You are not on National Public Radio, and there is no “fairness doctrine” anymore – hence, there is no obligation to allow a strong advocate for the bad guys on your radio program. Debate societies are for high school – you control the agenda and the viewpoint. Find a screener with that special talent to find the craziest, most irrational caller, if you must accept a call from someone who disagrees with you. Remember – you should never take seriously any contradiction to the truths that you have shared with your listeners. Ridicule it, dismiss it, use it in a satiric radiospot, but NEVER give it credence.
STEP 7: If you repeat something over and over, no matter how outrageous, it becomes the truth for your listeners. If they listen to you for more than five minutes, they are already predisposed to agree with you; if you say a “truth” forcefully (with just the right amount of indignation), and with conviction, they will swallow it hook, line and sinker, repeat it to their friends, and it will gain momentum. Notable recent examples include: “Obama is a Muslim”; “There were weapons of mass destruction in Iraq”; “No official Hawaiian birth certificate exists”; and “They are trying to force death panels on us”. Because most people will not believe that you would have the audacity to tell a big lie, they will automatically believe that you must be telling the truth! You can have some fun with this – the more ridiculous, the better. Even if something you said is disproved, all the fact-checking in the world will not eliminate the traces of truthiness – and, of course, those fact checkers have their own agenda to discredit you and suppress the real truth…
STEP 8: Live by the axiom “A partial quote -- out of context -- is a thing of beauty forever.” If you must cite to a newspaper article or play back a speech, cherry-pick the best parts that highlight your agenda and ignore anything that modifies or places that thought in a broader or different context. Hollywood publicists are masters of this – study and learn. “A colossal waste of time that trumps every other terrible movie ever made” becomes “Colossal…trumps every other movie ever made”. If you do it properly, you can make a heartwarming story of a black government official overcoming her own prejudices to help out a white farmer into a despicable tale of black vs. white racism and reverse discrimination – and force overreactions and resignations (a pinnacle moment in our world). Short clips and edited excerpts – presented with your commentary, along with judicious amounts of disbelief and outrage that these things are actually being said – will fill hours of airtime, and generate many callers.
STEP 9: The last two steps are the most important – and will be revealed to you once you pay $99.95 and order our complete series, with guaranteed updates on a monthly basis (for a modest additional fee). Hey, it’s a free country, but nothing is REALLY free in our great capitalist system. Join the exclusive club (where we are free to assemble with who we like, without fear of namby-pamby anti-discrimination laws) by sending your name, address, phone number, social security number, mother’s maiden name, bank account information, a complete asset report on our form, and at least two credit card numbers to the link at the bottom of this e-mail (and remember to take us out of your spam box). Join up, and in a very short time, you will learn everything you need to know about the ins and outs of starting your very own platform for your important opinions and beliefs! Supplies are limited, and demand is overwhelming, so don’t delay!
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
The Cultural Wars
Still true today, even more than before.
"""""""THIS IS A FIXNEWS SPECIAL REPORT""""""""
Dateline: The Cultural War – the Front Line
This is Ned Anderthal, FixNews special correspondent, reporting to you from the bloody aftermath. Earlier today, our party …er, excuse me, country’s first strike team “The Dittoheads” engaged the enemy in front of this very Muslim mosque disguised as a recreation center, soon to be the site of many, many sanguine skirmishes.
While we are not able to show you actual footage (for plausible deniability reasons), let me attempt to describe the battle. Our brave boys, each one a paragon of hairy, masculine heterosexuality, fanned out to the far right of the building, in propaganda formation. They were armed with filibusters, a strict construction of the Constitution, a traditional definition of “marriage”, deficit numbers, Hawaiian birth certificates, and the Old Testament. Facing them were ragtag troops of FemiNazis, Socialists, Gay Activists, Tree Huggers, ProChoicers, and ACLU Stormtroopers, consisting mostly of Atheists, all led by the Anti-Christ Barack HUSSEIN Obama and his favorite Wiccan proto-lesbian, Nancy Pelosi. In the middle, various independents, Blue-Dog Democrats, and lapsed Republicans milled about aimlessly. Some non-Tea Party Libertarians sat on the side in lawnchairs, popcorn in hand.
The Leftie enemy initiated a bombardment of legal briefs, followed by a round of kumbayas. We sent in our Tea Party shock troops, wielding signs showing their Muslim, Kenyan president with a Hitler mustache and a suicide bomb vest. Our manly men began a retaliatory thrust with the Lord’s Prayer and several Palinisms, and quickly erected a defensive crèche to enrage the Atheists. Glenn Beck whipped out his conspiracy chalkboard, feinted a charge led by the trickle-down economy and a return to the gold standard, and the casualties on the left began to mount. But the battle was far from over – the Lefties pulled out a televised wardrobe malfunction and the First Amendment. This tactic unfortunately froze our troops (who did not know whether to be fascinated or disgusted), and caused them to lobby for parental control devices. While they were distracted, the enemy hit our flank with commie professors and liberal judges, who they had held in reserve for just this moment. The air was filled with media flack and various spin devices, decimating our poll numbers. Our bloggers and AM radio talk radio hosts attempted to rally, but were enjoined by the NAACP, who once again was deceived into joining the fight on the wrong side. Words cannot describe the loss of credibility – oh, the humanity!
After the battle was over, General Limbaugh gathered the remnants, propagandized them, assigned them nicknames, and proclaimed “Mission Accomplished.” He left to promote more tax cuts, take some Viagra, and recruit more strict constructionists and believers in a Christian nation. This fight may be over, but the war goes on.
Ned Anderthal, FixNews. Many dittos, and back to you!
"""""""THIS IS A FIXNEWS SPECIAL REPORT""""""""
Dateline: The Cultural War – the Front Line
This is Ned Anderthal, FixNews special correspondent, reporting to you from the bloody aftermath. Earlier today, our party …er, excuse me, country’s first strike team “The Dittoheads” engaged the enemy in front of this very Muslim mosque disguised as a recreation center, soon to be the site of many, many sanguine skirmishes.
While we are not able to show you actual footage (for plausible deniability reasons), let me attempt to describe the battle. Our brave boys, each one a paragon of hairy, masculine heterosexuality, fanned out to the far right of the building, in propaganda formation. They were armed with filibusters, a strict construction of the Constitution, a traditional definition of “marriage”, deficit numbers, Hawaiian birth certificates, and the Old Testament. Facing them were ragtag troops of FemiNazis, Socialists, Gay Activists, Tree Huggers, ProChoicers, and ACLU Stormtroopers, consisting mostly of Atheists, all led by the Anti-Christ Barack HUSSEIN Obama and his favorite Wiccan proto-lesbian, Nancy Pelosi. In the middle, various independents, Blue-Dog Democrats, and lapsed Republicans milled about aimlessly. Some non-Tea Party Libertarians sat on the side in lawnchairs, popcorn in hand.
The Leftie enemy initiated a bombardment of legal briefs, followed by a round of kumbayas. We sent in our Tea Party shock troops, wielding signs showing their Muslim, Kenyan president with a Hitler mustache and a suicide bomb vest. Our manly men began a retaliatory thrust with the Lord’s Prayer and several Palinisms, and quickly erected a defensive crèche to enrage the Atheists. Glenn Beck whipped out his conspiracy chalkboard, feinted a charge led by the trickle-down economy and a return to the gold standard, and the casualties on the left began to mount. But the battle was far from over – the Lefties pulled out a televised wardrobe malfunction and the First Amendment. This tactic unfortunately froze our troops (who did not know whether to be fascinated or disgusted), and caused them to lobby for parental control devices. While they were distracted, the enemy hit our flank with commie professors and liberal judges, who they had held in reserve for just this moment. The air was filled with media flack and various spin devices, decimating our poll numbers. Our bloggers and AM radio talk radio hosts attempted to rally, but were enjoined by the NAACP, who once again was deceived into joining the fight on the wrong side. Words cannot describe the loss of credibility – oh, the humanity!
After the battle was over, General Limbaugh gathered the remnants, propagandized them, assigned them nicknames, and proclaimed “Mission Accomplished.” He left to promote more tax cuts, take some Viagra, and recruit more strict constructionists and believers in a Christian nation. This fight may be over, but the war goes on.
Ned Anderthal, FixNews. Many dittos, and back to you!
Monday, August 23, 2010
Dr. Laurie Speaks -- from February 2009
Another Dr. Laura parody -- one of my favorites:
Have you ever wondered how another, well-known dispenser of advice to the lovelorn and alienated would handle these letters? (Note: any resemblance to a certain obnoxious, insensitive radio personality who uses the title “Doctor” is purely intentional). Prudie may be obnoxious herself, but she’s a creampuff next to: Dr. Laurie!
Dear Dr. Laurie,
My wife and I have been married for a thoroughly enjoyable three years, but we've recently fallen on hard times. At nearly 30, I now realize becoming a screenwriter should be Plan B, although I still have to find Plan A. My wife is a 24-year-old student. We'd like to start a family but can't for a few years. She has suggested egg donation. From the various listings, it sounds like we could make $6,000-8,000 per shot. As she sees it, we'd be helping a determined couple have a family, we could use the money, and she's just "flushing them down the toilet every month" anyway. Any child would be lucky to share her genes—she's smart and gorgeous. But I have concerns. First, I think these hopeful parents should consider adopting. Second, despite the technicalities, I have a hard time seeing her eggs merely as genetic material. Part of me feels that since any child that results from this would be half my wife, I would feel a sense of responsibility for it and its well-being. What should we do?
—Leggo My Eggo
Dear Hollywood Dad:
A 30 year old screenwriter? Really? Do you really think that you have chosen a profession in which you can provide for a wife and children, or are you just selfishly chasing an adolescent dream? Also, as I recall, “screenwriter” (at least in California) is a code word for “loser on unemployment and/or welfare who sits at Starbucks all day and pretends to do something useful.”
Allow me to suggest a dynamite idea for a screenplay: Daddy Dearest and Mommy Moron, in their quest to gather enough money to buy a new Hi-Def TV and take that dream vacation to Hawaii, grub for funds by selling their future children. Regrets and drama abound when they realize that they have sold their precious ones to complete strangers, who turn out to be abusive and derelict parents. Courts can’t help and the law can’t help, because they signed away all parental rights for a few shekels.
Stop playing a dad on TV, and be a real parent and husband. Find a real job (maybe barrista at your favorite coffee shop). Exercise your prerogative and forbid this dangerous nonsense! Your wife will thank you later, when you are gainfully employed and surrounded by your darling rugrats. Remember, folks – it’s all about the children (born or unborn).
Dr. Laurie, responsibly.
Dear Dr. Laurie:
I am an only child with a single mother who's very dependent on me. She is a smart and passionate woman, and we have a sometimes-stormy relationship. We have worked hard to develop a friendship as I approach my late 20s. She recently moved across the country to be near me. She knows no one here and has made me the focus of her life. I encourage her to develop friendships, introduce her to people, and help her engage in new activities. However, I am feeling suffocated, largely because of Facebook. She recently "friended" me. Now, she posts embarrassing, nasty, and downright weird messages on my page about my personality and even my behavior as a child. Most of the comments would offend me if she said them to my friends, let alone put them where everyone I know can read them. I have tried to casually mention this, but she laughs and brushes aside my concerns. What do I do? Is my only option to "defriend" my mom?
—Friends With Mom
Dear Electra in an Electronic Age:
Your mom was a “single mom” who raised you as an only child? What happened to Dad, or were you the product of donated sperm? (Yes, people, it happens both ways. Just like eggs, every sperm is sacred and should not be wasted). Obviously, you hold a lot of anger because your mom was too selfish to raise you with another parent of the opposite sex, and your mom now resents you because parenting by yourself is like rowing a boat with only one arm. Going in circles, dear – circles. I have no doubt that you had to work hard to be civil to each other, and I question whether this “friendship” with your mother is really “barely repressed fury and resentment under a veneer of reluctant politeness.”
I also question whether you are following your mother’s trend of questionable decision-making. Seriously, is Facebook the sole repository of all your friendships and relationships? Close the account and find another way to meet people. Get out there, find a spouse the traditional way, and reduce your contact with your mother to an occasional dinner. Your example may inspire her to push away the computer and find her own life, instead of posting about how many times she had to change your diaper.
Dr. Laurie, reflectively
Dear Dr. Laurie,
Ever since I can remember, my thumbs have been noticeably abnormal. Each has a large bump sticking out the side, and I cannot bend them. I often feel self-conscious about these deformities. I hate having to shake someone's hand, for fear that they will be freaked out by my thumbs. Having taken piano lessons for many years, I always worried that my teachers were going to be focused on my thumbs and not my music. I feel like a weirdo! My boyfriend doesn't seem to care that my thumbs are different, but I wish there was something I could do to have normal, bendable thumbs. What should I do?
—Unbendable
Dear Thumbellina:
I read something else in your letter – an anorexic in the making. Seriously, it’s just a short step from looking in the mirror and seeing your thumbs as if they were drawn by R. Crumb, to looking in the mirror and seeing a body drawn by Dr. Seuss. It’s all in your mind – your thumbs are not that big, and neither is your butt. Find some counseling (and a surgeon to bend those thumbs, if necessary) – I guarantee that 90% of your thumb problem starts in your mind, rather than at the ends of your hands.
Dr. Laurie, discerningly
Dear Dr. Laurie,
I work in a small office of half a dozen people. We are not social outside of work, but we get along very well in the office. I am usually the first one to go to lunch, and two or three times a week I will grab food at a restaurant and take it back to eat at my desk. Inevitably, when I announce my departure, someone will ask, "Where are you going?" If it's someplace appealing, they will ask if I can pick something up. It often turns into an officewide affair, with people looking up menus online, running to ATMs, making change, writing down their orders. To be fair, they usually ask me if I want anything when they are going somewhere. Though I like my co-workers, I don't really want lunch to be a social affair. I see it as an opportunity just to get away. How can I do that without disrupting the office atmosphere?
—Lunchtime Is My Time
Dear Jackass in a Box:
Ever hear of something called a “brown bag lunch”? It’s frugal, smart, and respectful. If you must eat at your desk – a simple sandwich, a bag of chips and a piece of fruit work very well. Otherwise, be aware that food aromas and small offices don’t mix. Why are your fellow wage slaves giving you orders to fill? Passive hostility and a desire to overcome the invasive smells of your Enchilada Supreme with the fumes coming off their own meals. If you must waste money on lunch, eating out is your best solution. If you resist this good advice, expect that your officemates will continue to treat you like Captain Kruller every time you head for the exit at noon.
Dr. Laurie, hungrily
Have you ever wondered how another, well-known dispenser of advice to the lovelorn and alienated would handle these letters? (Note: any resemblance to a certain obnoxious, insensitive radio personality who uses the title “Doctor” is purely intentional). Prudie may be obnoxious herself, but she’s a creampuff next to: Dr. Laurie!
Dear Dr. Laurie,
My wife and I have been married for a thoroughly enjoyable three years, but we've recently fallen on hard times. At nearly 30, I now realize becoming a screenwriter should be Plan B, although I still have to find Plan A. My wife is a 24-year-old student. We'd like to start a family but can't for a few years. She has suggested egg donation. From the various listings, it sounds like we could make $6,000-8,000 per shot. As she sees it, we'd be helping a determined couple have a family, we could use the money, and she's just "flushing them down the toilet every month" anyway. Any child would be lucky to share her genes—she's smart and gorgeous. But I have concerns. First, I think these hopeful parents should consider adopting. Second, despite the technicalities, I have a hard time seeing her eggs merely as genetic material. Part of me feels that since any child that results from this would be half my wife, I would feel a sense of responsibility for it and its well-being. What should we do?
—Leggo My Eggo
Dear Hollywood Dad:
A 30 year old screenwriter? Really? Do you really think that you have chosen a profession in which you can provide for a wife and children, or are you just selfishly chasing an adolescent dream? Also, as I recall, “screenwriter” (at least in California) is a code word for “loser on unemployment and/or welfare who sits at Starbucks all day and pretends to do something useful.”
Allow me to suggest a dynamite idea for a screenplay: Daddy Dearest and Mommy Moron, in their quest to gather enough money to buy a new Hi-Def TV and take that dream vacation to Hawaii, grub for funds by selling their future children. Regrets and drama abound when they realize that they have sold their precious ones to complete strangers, who turn out to be abusive and derelict parents. Courts can’t help and the law can’t help, because they signed away all parental rights for a few shekels.
Stop playing a dad on TV, and be a real parent and husband. Find a real job (maybe barrista at your favorite coffee shop). Exercise your prerogative and forbid this dangerous nonsense! Your wife will thank you later, when you are gainfully employed and surrounded by your darling rugrats. Remember, folks – it’s all about the children (born or unborn).
Dr. Laurie, responsibly.
Dear Dr. Laurie:
I am an only child with a single mother who's very dependent on me. She is a smart and passionate woman, and we have a sometimes-stormy relationship. We have worked hard to develop a friendship as I approach my late 20s. She recently moved across the country to be near me. She knows no one here and has made me the focus of her life. I encourage her to develop friendships, introduce her to people, and help her engage in new activities. However, I am feeling suffocated, largely because of Facebook. She recently "friended" me. Now, she posts embarrassing, nasty, and downright weird messages on my page about my personality and even my behavior as a child. Most of the comments would offend me if she said them to my friends, let alone put them where everyone I know can read them. I have tried to casually mention this, but she laughs and brushes aside my concerns. What do I do? Is my only option to "defriend" my mom?
—Friends With Mom
Dear Electra in an Electronic Age:
Your mom was a “single mom” who raised you as an only child? What happened to Dad, or were you the product of donated sperm? (Yes, people, it happens both ways. Just like eggs, every sperm is sacred and should not be wasted). Obviously, you hold a lot of anger because your mom was too selfish to raise you with another parent of the opposite sex, and your mom now resents you because parenting by yourself is like rowing a boat with only one arm. Going in circles, dear – circles. I have no doubt that you had to work hard to be civil to each other, and I question whether this “friendship” with your mother is really “barely repressed fury and resentment under a veneer of reluctant politeness.”
I also question whether you are following your mother’s trend of questionable decision-making. Seriously, is Facebook the sole repository of all your friendships and relationships? Close the account and find another way to meet people. Get out there, find a spouse the traditional way, and reduce your contact with your mother to an occasional dinner. Your example may inspire her to push away the computer and find her own life, instead of posting about how many times she had to change your diaper.
Dr. Laurie, reflectively
Dear Dr. Laurie,
Ever since I can remember, my thumbs have been noticeably abnormal. Each has a large bump sticking out the side, and I cannot bend them. I often feel self-conscious about these deformities. I hate having to shake someone's hand, for fear that they will be freaked out by my thumbs. Having taken piano lessons for many years, I always worried that my teachers were going to be focused on my thumbs and not my music. I feel like a weirdo! My boyfriend doesn't seem to care that my thumbs are different, but I wish there was something I could do to have normal, bendable thumbs. What should I do?
—Unbendable
Dear Thumbellina:
I read something else in your letter – an anorexic in the making. Seriously, it’s just a short step from looking in the mirror and seeing your thumbs as if they were drawn by R. Crumb, to looking in the mirror and seeing a body drawn by Dr. Seuss. It’s all in your mind – your thumbs are not that big, and neither is your butt. Find some counseling (and a surgeon to bend those thumbs, if necessary) – I guarantee that 90% of your thumb problem starts in your mind, rather than at the ends of your hands.
Dr. Laurie, discerningly
Dear Dr. Laurie,
I work in a small office of half a dozen people. We are not social outside of work, but we get along very well in the office. I am usually the first one to go to lunch, and two or three times a week I will grab food at a restaurant and take it back to eat at my desk. Inevitably, when I announce my departure, someone will ask, "Where are you going?" If it's someplace appealing, they will ask if I can pick something up. It often turns into an officewide affair, with people looking up menus online, running to ATMs, making change, writing down their orders. To be fair, they usually ask me if I want anything when they are going somewhere. Though I like my co-workers, I don't really want lunch to be a social affair. I see it as an opportunity just to get away. How can I do that without disrupting the office atmosphere?
—Lunchtime Is My Time
Dear Jackass in a Box:
Ever hear of something called a “brown bag lunch”? It’s frugal, smart, and respectful. If you must eat at your desk – a simple sandwich, a bag of chips and a piece of fruit work very well. Otherwise, be aware that food aromas and small offices don’t mix. Why are your fellow wage slaves giving you orders to fill? Passive hostility and a desire to overcome the invasive smells of your Enchilada Supreme with the fumes coming off their own meals. If you must waste money on lunch, eating out is your best solution. If you resist this good advice, expect that your officemates will continue to treat you like Captain Kruller every time you head for the exit at noon.
Dr. Laurie, hungrily
Dr. Laura Does Prudie Redux
Below is my last run as Dr. Laura answering the Dear Prudie letters, in honor of her impending announced retirement (notwithstanding my suspicion that it is a “Farve retirement”, not a real retirement). Note: I will not use the heinous word that Dr. Laura used multiple times before she took herself off the air. Instead, I will liberally use the word “Booger”, which got the late great Dr. Johnny Fever booted off several radio jobs in a more innocent time. Enjoy! I will post some other, older "Dr. Laurie" parodies to get the blog going ...
Dear Dr. Laura,
When I was 6 years old, I accused a man of cornering me in a bathroom because he "made me feel weird." (Now that I am older, I suspect that he may have been slightly mentally handicapped.) The truth is that I made up the story about the man because I didn't want to go home with my father, an abusive alcoholic, but I was too scared to tell him that. I never said the man touched me, but my father was convinced something terrible had happened to me, and I know the cops and judicial system were somehow involved. This man is probably listed as a sexual offender because of me! It's the most horrible thing I've ever done, most likely ruining a man's life, and I am deeply ashamed. I want to try to rectify this awful lie, but I am completely at a loss as to what to do. I was so young that I don't remember many of the details. I'm also aware that there may be legal ramifications for me in coming forward—which maybe I deserve. What do I do?
—Facing the Past
Dear Dr. Laura,
A close family member and I have a stormy relationship. She's fiercely competitive with me and is a bully. I have severely limited our contact because of this. Recently, I found out that she was having difficulties at her job, which she frequently does, since she is hard to get along with. My problem is that I received news she's applied to work at my company. If she got the job, she and I would have regular contact. I worked hard for my job and enjoy it very much. This family member would put my career in jeopardy. I've asked her not to pursue the job, but she is determined. She has a difficult family life—young children and an impending divorce—and I know that times are tough. But she wouldn't be an asset to the team, and, yes, selfishly I don't want to work with her. I am in a senior enough position that I could say a quiet word to ensure that she doesn't get hired. Does this make me a horrible person?
—What Do I Do?
Dear Dr. Laura,
I've been dating my (perfect, wonderful, ideal, etc.) boyfriend for just over two years. Everything is great, except for one thing: Early on in the relationship, I lied in a pretty significant way about the number of sexual partners I'd had. He was a virgin before we met, and he was viciously jealous about any guy I had hooked up with before him. At the time, we had been fighting about one of those guys. All of a sudden, he asked my number. Lying just seemed like the easiest thing to do. I had gotten a full STD screening before we became intimate, so the lie couldn't hurt him physically. But it would definitely hurt him emotionally to know I had been with more people than I admitted to. Lately, I have been absolutely consumed by guilt over this. I worry he'll find out somehow, and it makes me feel sick to think how he'll react. But I fear that if I do tell him, he may never be able to get past it. Please help.
—Worried
Dear Prudence,
I am a divorced mother of a minor son. Due to money issues, I have either lived in a one-bedroom apartment or a two-bedroom apartment with a roommate. I have my son about four times a month overnight. When he is with me, he sleeps in bed with me, because I can't afford a separate bedroom. On occasion, when my boyfriend comes over, we have my son sleep on the sofa while I sleep with my boyfriend. My ex has a huge issue with this. I tell him I am not doing anything wrong, and he agrees, but says I'm not doing what's right, either. Your opinion could give me fuel to fight his argument.
—One Bed
Dear Dr. Laura,
When I was 6 years old, I accused a man of cornering me in a bathroom because he "made me feel weird." (Now that I am older, I suspect that he may have been slightly mentally handicapped.) The truth is that I made up the story about the man because I didn't want to go home with my father, an abusive alcoholic, but I was too scared to tell him that. I never said the man touched me, but my father was convinced something terrible had happened to me, and I know the cops and judicial system were somehow involved. This man is probably listed as a sexual offender because of me! It's the most horrible thing I've ever done, most likely ruining a man's life, and I am deeply ashamed. I want to try to rectify this awful lie, but I am completely at a loss as to what to do. I was so young that I don't remember many of the details. I'm also aware that there may be legal ramifications for me in coming forward—which maybe I deserve. What do I do?
—Facing the Past
Dear Two Face:
How dare you?! I’ll say it again: How dare you?! You were blessed with a father who did exactly as he should have done – protect you from a Booger who was obviously a dangerous sexual predator. You were six years old. Who are you to question the actions of responsible adults? If the Booger was not a pedophile dirtbag, he would not have been convicted. This Booger belonged in prison with all the other Boogers like him. The man you are slandering here is your father, who you should honor in all respects. Instead, you accuse him of being an “abusive alcoholic” and imply that he railroaded some poor Booger who dared to look at his daughter the wrong way. What do you deserve? If you were still six years old, I would say you deserve a healthy dose of the rod. Shame, shame!
A close family member and I have a stormy relationship. She's fiercely competitive with me and is a bully. I have severely limited our contact because of this. Recently, I found out that she was having difficulties at her job, which she frequently does, since she is hard to get along with. My problem is that I received news she's applied to work at my company. If she got the job, she and I would have regular contact. I worked hard for my job and enjoy it very much. This family member would put my career in jeopardy. I've asked her not to pursue the job, but she is determined. She has a difficult family life—young children and an impending divorce—and I know that times are tough. But she wouldn't be an asset to the team, and, yes, selfishly I don't want to work with her. I am in a senior enough position that I could say a quiet word to ensure that she doesn't get hired. Does this make me a horrible person?
—What Do I Do?
Dear Cindy:
Yes, I know that it’s you, “dear” sister. You and the main stream media liberals will stop at nothing to tear me down and shut me up. Well, I refuse to be your Booger, and I refuse to withdraw my job application merely because you are in the same company. I need a new outlet to express myself freely without government interference, and you need to back down and get out of my way. And yes, you are a horrible person (and so was Mom). I’ll see you at around the water cooler, sis.
I've been dating my (perfect, wonderful, ideal, etc.) boyfriend for just over two years. Everything is great, except for one thing: Early on in the relationship, I lied in a pretty significant way about the number of sexual partners I'd had. He was a virgin before we met, and he was viciously jealous about any guy I had hooked up with before him. At the time, we had been fighting about one of those guys. All of a sudden, he asked my number. Lying just seemed like the easiest thing to do. I had gotten a full STD screening before we became intimate, so the lie couldn't hurt him physically. But it would definitely hurt him emotionally to know I had been with more people than I admitted to. Lately, I have been absolutely consumed by guilt over this. I worry he'll find out somehow, and it makes me feel sick to think how he'll react. But I fear that if I do tell him, he may never be able to get past it. Please help.
—Worried
Dear Slut:
Tell Dr. Laura – how many Boogers did you open your legs for? The only good thing about your letter is that you didn’t catch a STD while playing sexual roulette. Was it fun to bag a virgin as your last trophy? You don’t deserve this man unless you own up to your past life as a rock-n-roll carnival ride for every Booger you happened to meet on the street. If he dumps you, then it’s good riddance to bad rubbish. If he keeps you – well, you lucked into a good situation despite being damaged goods. That is, until your next affair.
I am a divorced mother of a minor son. Due to money issues, I have either lived in a one-bedroom apartment or a two-bedroom apartment with a roommate. I have my son about four times a month overnight. When he is with me, he sleeps in bed with me, because I can't afford a separate bedroom. On occasion, when my boyfriend comes over, we have my son sleep on the sofa while I sleep with my boyfriend. My ex has a huge issue with this. I tell him I am not doing anything wrong, and he agrees, but says I'm not doing what's right, either. Your opinion could give me fuel to fight his argument.
—One Bed
Dear Slut Mom:
You want my opinion? My opinion is that you are a terrible mother, and your ex should have custody of your son. You are causing incalculable damage to your little boy by acting like a Booger and letting your boyfriend ride the mattress express while Junior sleeps in the next room. Let me take the gloves off now – I think that you are lower than a Booger …
At this point, I inserted " Wait – the Slate editors are daring to censor me? For using the common term “Booger”? That’s it – I retire! I will take my talents to a forum where I am appreciated and I can speak freely. I hear “The Fly” has an opening…" (pun fully intended).
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