This is an idea that has been percolating for a while – now (after listening to my bearable 5 minutes of Rush Limbaugh), it has come to the surface like deepwater oil in the Gulf. I’m listening to WAY too much AM radio recently.
You TOO Can Start a Conservative Talk Radio Program! In ten (count ‘em, ten) simple steps!
STEP 1: Find an AM radio slot in a Red State. Drive time, graveyard, lunchtime, dinnertime – it doesn’t matter, does it? It’s all protected by the First Amendment and they threw the “fairness doctrine” out the window long ago. Graveyard is the best first rung on the ladder –big rig drivers and insomniacs are a great initial fan base and will swallow whole almost any outrageous thing you say! Stay away from unveiling yourself on college radio – you know how those pointy-headed socialist liberals are.
STEP 2: Make sure you have advertisers. The best ones are the advertisers who will pay you to plug their shoddy products. Hair plugs, investment schemes, gold bullion, herbal ED treatments, escort services – capitalism is alive and well on AM radio! Position yourself well enough, and you can start to hawk a newsletter or e-mail updates to listeners. Think of the lists you can generate and sell to spammers and junk mail. Vive laissez faire!
STEP 3: Stock up on material for the program. Unfortunately, this involves some real work and time (at least until you get unpaid interns to do it for you). Scour the web, FoxNews, newspapers, magazines and web again for talking points and news items that you can spin. As you scan for tidbits, keep in mind the following rules: (a) you are looking for items that fit your agenda, such as misstatements and overreactions from Democrats/liberal groups, scandals by Democratic politicians, and “ignored” stories about evidence against global warming, pedophilia and affairs by liberal leaders (especially if they are gay), lenient judges, mismanagement of military resources, crimes by illegal immigrants, and tea party rallies; and (b) avoid stories that balance out any of the foregoing, such as as misstatements and overreactions from Republicans/conservative groups, scandals by Republican politicians, and stories about evidence showing global warming, pedophilia or affairs involving conservative or tea party leading lights (especially if they involve man-on-man or man-on-boy action), judges who render balanced and fair decisions (unless it’s in favor of a talking point), immigrant success stories (unless they start with arriving in this country 100 years ago), or items about businesses/individuals who seek out and hire illegal immigrants. Obvious bias – such as descriptions of the content of signs at a tea party rally – should be pointed out as typical distortions of the “mainstream media.”
STEP 4: Know your buzz-word combinations. “Liberals”, “Democrats”, and “socialism” should always be equated with “treason”, “communists”, “illegal immigrants”, and “fascism”, either explicitly or by sly implication. The terms “Republican”, “conservative” and “tea party” should be combined with words like “patriotic”, “true Americans”, “honorable”, and “traditional values” – bake that apple pie and wave that flag, folks! “Obama” should have adjectives such as “so-called president,” “Barry Hussein”, “Imam in Chief”, and “Kenyan born”. Don’t be afraid to be creative with his name – “Odumbo”, “Taxama”, and “Obam-bam” are just some examples. Also, “Obamacare”, “Obamadeficit”, and “Obamasocialist”. Have fun!
STEP 5: Remember the cardinal talking points of conservative talk radio: (a) the mainstream media has a leftist agenda and puts a liberal spin on everything it reports; (b) academic elitists, feminists, unions, gay marriage, and chardonnay-swilling East Coast liberals are ruining this country; (c) this country was founded on Christian principles, and we need to get back to those same religious principles to save the Constitution and get us back to the good ol’ U.S. of A. that we all grew up with; (d) “political correctness” and fear of offending tyrannical special interest/ethnic groups have taken away our ability to say what we (and Dr. Laura) need to say in a frank and open manner; (e) liberals are weak and ineffectual, and always try to win their arguments by playing the “race card”; and (f) America has nothing to be ashamed of, no matter what we did or did not do. The overriding principle is that WE are right and THEY are wrong, no matter what the issue is.
STEP 6: Get a good call-screener, and don’t be afraid to “lose a caller by accident”. You are not on National Public Radio, and there is no “fairness doctrine” anymore – hence, there is no obligation to allow a strong advocate for the bad guys on your radio program. Debate societies are for high school – you control the agenda and the viewpoint. Find a screener with that special talent to find the craziest, most irrational caller, if you must accept a call from someone who disagrees with you. Remember – you should never take seriously any contradiction to the truths that you have shared with your listeners. Ridicule it, dismiss it, use it in a satiric radiospot, but NEVER give it credence.
STEP 7: If you repeat something over and over, no matter how outrageous, it becomes the truth for your listeners. If they listen to you for more than five minutes, they are already predisposed to agree with you; if you say a “truth” forcefully (with just the right amount of indignation), and with conviction, they will swallow it hook, line and sinker, repeat it to their friends, and it will gain momentum. Notable recent examples include: “Obama is a Muslim”; “There were weapons of mass destruction in Iraq”; “No official Hawaiian birth certificate exists”; and “They are trying to force death panels on us”. Because most people will not believe that you would have the audacity to tell a big lie, they will automatically believe that you must be telling the truth! You can have some fun with this – the more ridiculous, the better. Even if something you said is disproved, all the fact-checking in the world will not eliminate the traces of truthiness – and, of course, those fact checkers have their own agenda to discredit you and suppress the real truth…
STEP 8: Live by the axiom “A partial quote -- out of context -- is a thing of beauty forever.” If you must cite to a newspaper article or play back a speech, cherry-pick the best parts that highlight your agenda and ignore anything that modifies or places that thought in a broader or different context. Hollywood publicists are masters of this – study and learn. “A colossal waste of time that trumps every other terrible movie ever made” becomes “Colossal…trumps every other movie ever made”. If you do it properly, you can make a heartwarming story of a black government official overcoming her own prejudices to help out a white farmer into a despicable tale of black vs. white racism and reverse discrimination – and force overreactions and resignations (a pinnacle moment in our world). Short clips and edited excerpts – presented with your commentary, along with judicious amounts of disbelief and outrage that these things are actually being said – will fill hours of airtime, and generate many callers.
STEP 9: The last two steps are the most important – and will be revealed to you once you pay $99.95 and order our complete series, with guaranteed updates on a monthly basis (for a modest additional fee). Hey, it’s a free country, but nothing is REALLY free in our great capitalist system. Join the exclusive club (where we are free to assemble with who we like, without fear of namby-pamby anti-discrimination laws) by sending your name, address, phone number, social security number, mother’s maiden name, bank account information, a complete asset report on our form, and at least two credit card numbers to the link at the bottom of this e-mail (and remember to take us out of your spam box). Join up, and in a very short time, you will learn everything you need to know about the ins and outs of starting your very own platform for your important opinions and beliefs! Supplies are limited, and demand is overwhelming, so don’t delay!
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