President Obama and the Loyal Opposition Answer This Week's Prudie Letters (9/2/10)

I am nothing if not an equal opportunity satirist. Since I have recently made several posts in which I mock the conservative/right wing milieu, and even though the “fairness doctrine” does not exist on the Internet (or on the radio or cable TV, for that matter), I have decided to throw my conservative friends a bone and answer these letters as I imagine our current president would. Note, however, that I have also included a Republican response (they would demand that, wouldn’t they?)

Dear President Obama:

Ten years ago, I married the perfect man -- two young children from a previous marriage -- happy to be their stepmother UNTIL I heard the ol' biological clock tick-tocking. Now, I've proposed a new child in our family unit, but my husband has an iron-clad filibuster (he vasectomized himself). I am the one who changed my mind, and I want to get my own way (heartbroken, angry, frustrated, etc.) As the Clash sang: Do I stay or do I go? Enjoy the bird in my hand or yearn for the two in the bush? Do I pull an Arlen Spector and leave the party, or imitate John McCain, sell my soul to get elected, and deny myself my heart's desire? I'd be willing to fund any reasonable proposal for child—reproductive assistance (including donor eggs), adoption, etc. But I don't want to be a maverick and do it alone -- I'm not an independent, and I need another parent/partner. Help me, Obi-Wan Obama -- you're my only hope.

—Longing

Dear Family Voter:

Your somewhat tangled situation calls to mind my experience as the leader of this great country. When the voters elected me (by a clear majority of the popular vote and the electoral vote, I might add), they elected me on a platform of “hope and change”, and on my promise to seek bipartisan cooperation to solve the many problems left in my lap by my predecessor in the Oval Office. And, initially, my colleagues in the Congress appeared to be on board with that desire for bi-partisanship. I highlighted that aspiration in my inaugural address, and they all applauded (well, I AM known as a great orator – perhaps I was misled by their admiration for my rhetorical skills). I invited Republican senators and congress-people to the White House to personal meet and greets, I wined them and dined them, I called on them in their spacious offices, and even invited them to engage in a frank, televised discussion of our opposing views on health care reform, in an effort to work with them, get through our impasses, and find common solutions.

And, like you, they unaccountably changed their minds about the whole bipartisan effort, and instead embarked on bitter partisanship and obstructionism. Suddenly, if I say the sky is blue, they disagree and say it is “azure”; if I describe something as black, they say it’s white; I say “tomato”, they say “tomahto” – one gentleman from South Carolina even had the temerity to interrupt my State of Union speech (my speech!) by accusing me of lying.

So, as you can see, I have a sense of the deep frustration your husband must have felt when you suddenly switched positions and advocated for a new child. Ultimately, my advice to you is that you and your husband must work together to find new solutions to entrenched problems – have you considered adopting a Cabbage Patch baby, or starting a daycare business? We need more small businesses to jump-start our economy, and starting your own shop may kill two birds with one stone, so to speak. You must remember, however, that your husband has the – ahem – “veto” power over any attempt to begin a new family, and can (shall we say) withhold funding for your proposed project. In any discussion, you must keep those realities in mind.

Sincerely,
Barry (aka President Obama)

The Republican Response:

First, we applaud your desire to increase your family under the big tent of your traditional man-woman definition of marriage. We also point out that we have many laudable women in the Republican party (such as Sarah Palin and Michelle Bachman), as well as a growing segment of woman voters, all of whom would applaud your determination (albeit, somewhat belated) to become pregnant and transition into becoming a stay-at-home mother. As for the President’s response to your question, we point out that he has refused to prove that he was even born in this country! (Just kidding – the President says he’s a natural born American citizen. We take him at his word. Notice that we didn’t wink when we said that. No, really – not even an eye twitch!).

In all seriousness, President Barack HUSSEIN Obama’s response to your query is typical of his administration – ill-informed without any acknowledgment that the American people don’t want his lame socialist-inspired solutions to their problems. As usual, he suggests that his way is the ONLY way, under the guise that “people should work together toward a bipartisan solution, which happens to closely resemble the solution I first suggested.” Well, Mr. President, we still have the filibuster, and, come November, we plan to control both houses of Congress. You should talk to Hilary’s husband about who he recommends for lawyers, because we plan to give birth to several investigations and proceedings that will make his tenure in office look like a love-fest in comparison. Here’s HOPING that big CHANGE is coming your way, and soon!

Dear President Obama,

I'm in graduate school, wrapping up my master's thesis. My professor held up the thesis of a student who graduated last year and tackled a similar topic as a shining example, and said I should be inspired by the quality and depth of that work. I got the other student's thesis and found that he had pulled a Jayson Blair -- it is plagiarized word-for-word from a obscure source book I have been using. I don't think that my professor is familiar with this book, but I think that this student pulled a fast one. The devil on my shoulder tells me that it's none of my business, but the angel on my shoulder tells me that the school should know. My real concern is that I will get a worse grade than him if I don't speak up. It’s not personal, it's just education -- be my friend, Mr. President. Help me out.

—Just Want To Graduate

Dear Young Voter:

First, congratulations on taking advantage of the many opportunities that this great nation offers to further your education. Second, I too have experienced the déjà vu of discovering that people fail to give credit or blame to where that credit or blame is due. Take, for instance, this so-called “Tea Party” movement. These “tea-partiers” blame me for a variety of sins – the deficit, the sputtering economy, a perceived moral decline and malaise in this unique country – when all that originated with my predecessor in office. I ask – where were the tea-partiers when George W. Bush was playing a shell game with the budget and the costs of the Iraq war? Why did they keep their mouths shut when he was handing out tax breaks and tax rebates left and right, despite the effect on his initial surplus, and then the deficit he created? Why are their fingers pointed toward my administration as they bemoan the problems in the economy, when the roots of those problems clearly lie in the prior administration’s lax regulation of the financial industry and the secondary mortgage market?

It is almost as if I am a victim of “reverse plagiarism” – I am having all this drek attributed to my tenure, while George W. Bush sits in Texas and laughs. Moreover, no matter what I say and no matter what I do, my explanations are discounted and my accomplishments moving us toward solving these large problems are minimized (and harshly criticized). My advice to you is to speak up, but not to expect that anyone will thank you for speaking up. You should also not be surprised to learn that you are disbelieved altogether. That has been my experience, and I am happy to be able to share it with you.

Sincerely,
Barry (aka President Obama)

The Republican Response:

We love how this president speaks in code words for racial bias (“reverse plagiarism”? Really!) and refuses to accept any responsibility for the messes he creates (notice how he inserts the word “victim” in his response?). The president is just typifying his preferred constituent – lazy, liberal, and living off the dole, funded by the excessive taxes paid by hard-working Americans. Nothing is his fault, and he, like most Democrats, has “Bush derangement syndrome” -- if it’s a problem, then it must have originated with Dubya. Bush, however, did not spend taxpayer money to bail out Goldman Sachs and take over General Motors. Bush did not serve as a roadblock to the reform of Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, whose jumbo loans to clearly unqualified applicants – forced by the Democrats – are the true seeds of the mortgage crisis (not the actions of our friends in the financial industry, who merely sought to make a well-earned buck off an already existing unfortunate situation).

Moreover, just about every solution our president proposes involves more spending (not to mention more deficit!) and increased government regulation and oversight. Oh, you want advice on how to solve your problem? Well, we disagree with his advice. Beyond that, it is not our job to offer solutions to problems, unless we can propose lower taxes, decreased regulation, or cuts in discretionary spending. If those answers don’t apply, then sorry – you’re on your own.

Dear President Obama,

My 20-something daughter, Buffy, is entering my profession in which I am a leading light. Her boss told her to do some research to solve a knotty problem, she came to me, and I was able to guide her to the right answer (her boss was thrilled). Well, I bragged about it at work, and one of my rivals threw a hissy-fit and accused my daughter of cheating by relying on me to figure it out. My point of view is that this guy is an asshole, and that legitimate research includes asking the opinions of others in the same field, even if they are related to you. I pointed her in the right direction, and she figured it out. There is no nepotism here, but did we screw up? How did Bill handle this with Hilary?

—New Girls Network

Dear Baby Boomer Voter:

First off, kudos to both you and your daughter on demonstrating that our employment figures are growing, and will continue to grow if we stay the course. As for the question you pose, I, too, have been unduly criticized for turning to professionals, of all stripes and philosophies, to advise and assist me in the governing of the United States of America. My critics say that I lack the necessary depth of knowledge in economics, military matters, foreign policy, international relations to effectively govern this country, and that I rely on a cadre of socialist and/or liberal sycophants to tell me what to do. I am here to tell you that nothing could be further than the truth. I listen to many voices and advisors throughout the day, many with differing (and strong) opinions, and they help guide me toward making what I believe is the right decision on any particular issue.

As for my advice, I encourage you and your daughter to do as I do – realize that no matter what you do, there will be people who will rain judgment on what you did or did not do. I have too big of a job to worry about what those people will or will not say, and I am not too proud to accept advice from others when I ask for it. Your daughter should do no less.

Sincerely,
Barry (aka President Obama)

The Republican Response:

We encourage the president to continue to ignore his critics – it makes it all the easier for us in November 2010 and November 2012. There is no doubt that this is the most inexperienced, wet-behind-the-ears Commander in Chief that we have ever had, and his administration will live in infamy due to the ill-informed, wrong-headed choices that the president has made on the prosecution of wars in the Middle East, on health-care, on economic stimulus spending , and on raising taxes. He has mishandled the Gulf oil spill, bank reform, the Arizona immigration law, and the debate on the mosque site near the World Trade Center in Manhattan – heck, he even mishandled that whole beer summit thing! If he’s following advice in addressing these matters, he needs to fire his advisors; if he’s ignoring advice from his advisors, he needs to fire himself (don’t worry, we are confident that the American people will do it for him in 27 months, in any event).

As for your problem, our own advisors did not address that subject with us … oh, wait, Rush and Bill say to ignore your critics. But ignore them differently than the president would ignore them – his way would be the wrong way.

Dear President Obama,

I am a 36 year old widow, who lost my 40-year-old husband to a sudden and unexpected heart attack this year. Losing him was bad enough, but his family has nit-picked all of my choices: from not asking for an autopsy, to my choice of pallbearers, to my pick of his gravestone and the wording of the engraving on it. They have all but accused me of murdering him, have threatened to call one of those TV shows like "Dateline" or "48 Hours" about his suspicious death, and have generally been assholes to me in my time of grief. Now, they've gone and replaced the flowers that my children and I put on their dad's grave with their own bouquet. I want to tell them that they are dead to me, and return all their Christmas cards and gifts. What should I do, Mr. President?
—In-Law Nightmare

Dear Middle-Class Voter:

First, my deepest sympathies for your loss. I have witnessed the grief of many of the families of the brave men and women who returned in coffins from Iraq and Afghanistan, and my heart goes out to you. As for the reaction of your in-laws, I too have experienced the questioning of decisions that I had the prerogative to make (see above). I am not complaining – it goes with the territory. Still, it is frustrating when you are attacked by Republicans for including provisions in a health care bill that had been previously included by those same Republicans in previous health care proposals. Or when you are told that your actions to mend the damage caused by the previous administration – in foreign and in domestic matters – are wrong-headed, pandering, done with a socialist agenda … the list goes on. There is also a small segment of the population that will gleefully believe any outrageous statement that they think paints you in a bad light. Such as the assertion that I am a Muslim – this revelation came after they had squeezed all the juice from the accusation that I attended a cult-like Christian church headed by a radical minister with Black Panther sympathies. As my grandmother used to say, some days you can’t win for trying.

As for your problem, my advice is that you will never satisfy the nay-sayers – so focus on your own life, but leave the door open for dialogue and reconciliation. Someday, they may realize that the Tea Party philosophy and obstructionism are not the path to governing .. oops, that is my problem. I meant to say that they may realize that they overreacted in their grief, and may reach out across the aisle to … I mean, reach out to you to reconnect with you and find a new path together (who the hell is running that teleprompter??!).

Sincerely,
Barry (aka President Obama)

The Republican Response:

This is a typical response from the president, and shows why the voters must send him a message in November that he has set this great country on the wrong path. We are fighting the good fight to stop his socialist agenda, and we will continue that fight until he and the Democrats are no longer in charge of the government so that we can fix things. How will we do that? Um…glad you asked! We will cut discretionary spending in the budget, lower taxes, and restore America’s greatness and respect for the Constitution! How will those steps accomplish our purposes? Um…by reducing the deficit and jump-starting the economy and regaining the respect of the rest of the world and … hey, how about that stroke of luck? We mean, your husband dying in a year with no estate tax and all? We did that! No, no, we didn’t mean it that way – just think of all the money your husband’s estate saved when there was no estate tax… Wait, did you just say that you wouldn’t have paid estate tax anyway because the estate was below the threshold? Oh, in that case, sorry for your loss. Vote Republican in 2010, and send a message!