The Cultural Wars

Still true today, even more than before.

"""""""THIS IS A FIXNEWS SPECIAL REPORT""""""""

Dateline: The Cultural War – the Front Line

This is Ned Anderthal, FixNews special correspondent, reporting to you from the bloody aftermath. Earlier today, our party …er, excuse me, country’s first strike team “The Dittoheads” engaged the enemy in front of this very Muslim mosque disguised as a recreation center, soon to be the site of many, many sanguine skirmishes.

While we are not able to show you actual footage (for plausible deniability reasons), let me attempt to describe the battle. Our brave boys, each one a paragon of hairy, masculine heterosexuality, fanned out to the far right of the building, in propaganda formation. They were armed with filibusters, a strict construction of the Constitution, a traditional definition of “marriage”, deficit numbers, Hawaiian birth certificates, and the Old Testament. Facing them were ragtag troops of FemiNazis, Socialists, Gay Activists, Tree Huggers, ProChoicers, and ACLU Stormtroopers, consisting mostly of Atheists, all led by the Anti-Christ Barack HUSSEIN Obama and his favorite Wiccan proto-lesbian, Nancy Pelosi. In the middle, various independents, Blue-Dog Democrats, and lapsed Republicans milled about aimlessly. Some non-Tea Party Libertarians sat on the side in lawnchairs, popcorn in hand.

The Leftie enemy initiated a bombardment of legal briefs, followed by a round of kumbayas. We sent in our Tea Party shock troops, wielding signs showing their Muslim, Kenyan president with a Hitler mustache and a suicide bomb vest. Our manly men began a retaliatory thrust with the Lord’s Prayer and several Palinisms, and quickly erected a defensive crèche to enrage the Atheists. Glenn Beck whipped out his conspiracy chalkboard, feinted a charge led by the trickle-down economy and a return to the gold standard, and the casualties on the left began to mount. But the battle was far from over – the Lefties pulled out a televised wardrobe malfunction and the First Amendment. This tactic unfortunately froze our troops (who did not know whether to be fascinated or disgusted), and caused them to lobby for parental control devices. While they were distracted, the enemy hit our flank with commie professors and liberal judges, who they had held in reserve for just this moment. The air was filled with media flack and various spin devices, decimating our poll numbers. Our bloggers and AM radio talk radio hosts attempted to rally, but were enjoined by the NAACP, who once again was deceived into joining the fight on the wrong side. Words cannot describe the loss of credibility – oh, the humanity!

After the battle was over, General Limbaugh gathered the remnants, propagandized them, assigned them nicknames, and proclaimed “Mission Accomplished.” He left to promote more tax cuts, take some Viagra, and recruit more strict constructionists and believers in a Christian nation. This fight may be over, but the war goes on.

Ned Anderthal, FixNews. Many dittos, and back to you!