Dear Dr. Laura,
When I was 6 years old, I accused a man of cornering me in a bathroom because he "made me feel weird." (Now that I am older, I suspect that he may have been slightly mentally handicapped.) The truth is that I made up the story about the man because I didn't want to go home with my father, an abusive alcoholic, but I was too scared to tell him that. I never said the man touched me, but my father was convinced something terrible had happened to me, and I know the cops and judicial system were somehow involved. This man is probably listed as a sexual offender because of me! It's the most horrible thing I've ever done, most likely ruining a man's life, and I am deeply ashamed. I want to try to rectify this awful lie, but I am completely at a loss as to what to do. I was so young that I don't remember many of the details. I'm also aware that there may be legal ramifications for me in coming forward—which maybe I deserve. What do I do?
—Facing the Past
Dear Two Face:
How dare you?! I’ll say it again: How dare you?! You were blessed with a father who did exactly as he should have done – protect you from a Booger who was obviously a dangerous sexual predator. You were six years old. Who are you to question the actions of responsible adults? If the Booger was not a pedophile dirtbag, he would not have been convicted. This Booger belonged in prison with all the other Boogers like him. The man you are slandering here is your father, who you should honor in all respects. Instead, you accuse him of being an “abusive alcoholic” and imply that he railroaded some poor Booger who dared to look at his daughter the wrong way. What do you deserve? If you were still six years old, I would say you deserve a healthy dose of the rod. Shame, shame!
A close family member and I have a stormy relationship. She's fiercely competitive with me and is a bully. I have severely limited our contact because of this. Recently, I found out that she was having difficulties at her job, which she frequently does, since she is hard to get along with. My problem is that I received news she's applied to work at my company. If she got the job, she and I would have regular contact. I worked hard for my job and enjoy it very much. This family member would put my career in jeopardy. I've asked her not to pursue the job, but she is determined. She has a difficult family life—young children and an impending divorce—and I know that times are tough. But she wouldn't be an asset to the team, and, yes, selfishly I don't want to work with her. I am in a senior enough position that I could say a quiet word to ensure that she doesn't get hired. Does this make me a horrible person?
—What Do I Do?
Dear Cindy:
Yes, I know that it’s you, “dear” sister. You and the main stream media liberals will stop at nothing to tear me down and shut me up. Well, I refuse to be your Booger, and I refuse to withdraw my job application merely because you are in the same company. I need a new outlet to express myself freely without government interference, and you need to back down and get out of my way. And yes, you are a horrible person (and so was Mom). I’ll see you at around the water cooler, sis.
I've been dating my (perfect, wonderful, ideal, etc.) boyfriend for just over two years. Everything is great, except for one thing: Early on in the relationship, I lied in a pretty significant way about the number of sexual partners I'd had. He was a virgin before we met, and he was viciously jealous about any guy I had hooked up with before him. At the time, we had been fighting about one of those guys. All of a sudden, he asked my number. Lying just seemed like the easiest thing to do. I had gotten a full STD screening before we became intimate, so the lie couldn't hurt him physically. But it would definitely hurt him emotionally to know I had been with more people than I admitted to. Lately, I have been absolutely consumed by guilt over this. I worry he'll find out somehow, and it makes me feel sick to think how he'll react. But I fear that if I do tell him, he may never be able to get past it. Please help.
—Worried
Dear Slut:
Tell Dr. Laura – how many Boogers did you open your legs for? The only good thing about your letter is that you didn’t catch a STD while playing sexual roulette. Was it fun to bag a virgin as your last trophy? You don’t deserve this man unless you own up to your past life as a rock-n-roll carnival ride for every Booger you happened to meet on the street. If he dumps you, then it’s good riddance to bad rubbish. If he keeps you – well, you lucked into a good situation despite being damaged goods. That is, until your next affair.
I am a divorced mother of a minor son. Due to money issues, I have either lived in a one-bedroom apartment or a two-bedroom apartment with a roommate. I have my son about four times a month overnight. When he is with me, he sleeps in bed with me, because I can't afford a separate bedroom. On occasion, when my boyfriend comes over, we have my son sleep on the sofa while I sleep with my boyfriend. My ex has a huge issue with this. I tell him I am not doing anything wrong, and he agrees, but says I'm not doing what's right, either. Your opinion could give me fuel to fight his argument.
—One Bed
Dear Slut Mom:
You want my opinion? My opinion is that you are a terrible mother, and your ex should have custody of your son. You are causing incalculable damage to your little boy by acting like a Booger and letting your boyfriend ride the mattress express while Junior sleeps in the next room. Let me take the gloves off now – I think that you are lower than a Booger …
At this point, I inserted " Wait – the Slate editors are daring to censor me? For using the common term “Booger”? That’s it – I retire! I will take my talents to a forum where I am appreciated and I can speak freely. I hear “The Fly” has an opening…" (pun fully intended).
More! More!
ReplyDeleteAnd my vote here for the Fly front page.